


Part Two: Sight

by Xanateria



Series: The Five Senses [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: AU, Angst, BAMF Alfred Pennyworth, Empaths, Empathy, Iyndari, M/M, Skin Hunger, Touch-Starved, emotional hurt comfort, hurt comfort, metaphysical elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 10:10:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14133900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xanateria/pseuds/Xanateria
Summary: There’s nothing that says happily ever after is easy. Then again, most new relationships probably don’t have quite this many complications.It turns out, just because you can read someone else's feelings doesn't give you a better handle on your own.





	Part Two: Sight

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Annie B for the beta read.
> 
> My apologies that this story took so long. I have outlines for the next three parts that should go up much sooner. This part is dedicated to each and every person that left kudos and feedback. You are the reason I didn’t just give up when I couldn’t get the story in my head to match the story on the page. I am so very grateful to all of you. I thoroughly enjoyed coming back to this Universe. It’s been a pleasure to get to know it better. I hope you like this part as much as you liked the first.
> 
> Obviously, the characters are not mine, though I do enjoy playing with them. However, the Iyndari and all the related concepts, are my own creation.

Awareness came with a familiar instant of disorientation and a wrench of fear that washed over my skin in a cold sweat. I waited for my pulse to settle and tried to figure what in hells had woken me, but the bedroom was quiet.

The idea that anything could threaten me here was laughable, but I couldn’t quite shake the unease. Nightmares aren’t exactly rare for me, but I usually remembered which monster had come calling. This time, all I could recall was a vague sense of searching for something and not finding it. Tame for my subconscious, but I couldn’t shake the unease that crawled up my spine and had me fighting more shivers.

The Fates saw fit to give me the one thing I really wanted for my birthday, but apparently my subconscious had missed the memo.

A small part of me expected the bed beside me to be empty. Bruce didn’t seem the type to spend a whole night in bed with anybody. But my fears faded when I turned my head and saw him, on his back with one arm above his head. Not a sprawler then, despite the huge bed.

Another surprise - he was still asleep, so I resisted the urge to touch him. The pull was quiet, no more than the barest background hum, so I didn’t even have to try too hard. Then again, sex was a whole smorgasbord of touching. That probably meant I was good to go for a while.

I let my eyes track over Bruce, and couldn’t help but smile. If someone had told me I would spend the last of my birthday here with him, I would have told them to get some psychiatric help, fast. But here I was. That had to count for something. After a moment, I shut my eyes and stopped that train of thought. Reading anything into this was a bad idea. 

We hadn’t really talked about how either of us felt; unless you counted wanting to jump each other’s bones. The unease from my dream returned and I looked at Bruce again. I spent so long wanting him; the fact that we’d had sex seemed almost unreal. Now that it happened, I had absolutely no idea what it meant and even less idea what to do next.

I don’t have a good track record at being happy. Case in point? Here I am, in bed with the man of my dreams, and I can’t let myself enjoy it. In my experience, happiness comes right before everything in my life pretty much implodes. 

There really is something to be said for getting your heart’s desire. I mean, I’m not an idiot; I know it sounds trite and I would never admit it out loud. But, that doesn’t make it less true. I never in a million years thought Bruce would ever want to see me as more than a sidekick, a responsibility and if I was really lucky, a friend.

If I had a few extra months with no responsibilities, I could indulge myself and completely freak out about this. Seriously, just because I’ve wanted him since forever doesn’t make me an expert on healthy relationships, or magically some kind of Bruce whisperer. He let me in enough that we had spectacularly good sex, yes. But, I know that doesn’t mean he lets me in to stay, to really see all the things that make him tick - good, bad, ugly, the whole shot.

Hells, if I’m being honest, I even understand at least some of why he is so ridiculously private. The man’s been through hell when it comes to the people he loves, starting with his parents. I have some first-hand knowledge of that kind of pain and just between you and me, it’s not really a pain that leaves you. And it makes it so much harder to let yourself get attached. And then there were the ones he tried to get attached to -maybe even love. Vicky, Selena...probably more. I don’t know the specifics, but I know he blames only himself for the fact that he was either not enough, or too much, for either of them. 

The only thing that makes me feel a tiny bit better about the fact that I know how badly he’s been hurt, is that I also know I don’t have that problem. I can’t claim to know all of him - not yet. But, I know enough to know that he is so much more than he can usually let people see. He’s not some vapid, light-hearted - and admittedly rich - playboy. But, he’s also not just the man who’s so driven to seek justice on a mission that has become a huge piece of his life. He got his revenge on the man who killed his parents, and then realized the same thing I did - that the mission, the reason why Batman and Robin go out no matter what else might be going on is so much bigger than us. The city needs us, because its people need us. We’re the ones who taught them they could count on us. We can’t give up on them now. But, the fact that I will always come second to that obligation isn’t news. I had to accept that when I first suited up as Robin. 

And I will never be sorry that I did. How could I? So much of who I would become is tied into the things I learned as Robin. And I’m not proud of my original motives, even if I do understand them. But, I’m damn proud of the man that training has allowed me to become and the work we’ve done to keep the city and beyond it safe.

Which is all well and good, but doesn’t give me the first clue how to balance that obligation and move forward into a future with Bruce and I together and both of us happy and more or less sane. I figured we would just have to figure it out as we go. I’m good at winging it, I’ve had to be. But in this case, the sheer terror of what could happen if I screwed it up didn’t make that particularly comfortable. 

I learned a long time ago that it isn’t a good idea to ignore your own liabilities. I don’t have a lot to offer someone like Bruce – not when you stack someone like me up against the fact he could have anybody he wants. But, I want the real him, not the façade he presents to the press, or even one of the facets he draws on for business. If I’m going to find a way to do this without going crazy, I have to hope that will count for something. And I have plans in place that I hope will see to it we come into this – whatever the hell this is – as equals. 

I’m not stupid enough to think that I’ll get to keep him forever – that we’re guaranteed a happy ever after. That sort of thing is for those who believe in fairy tales and I’ve seen too much of the world to believe in them anymore. 

I thought being a realist was better – until now. Now, there was a part of me that didn’t care about the facts – I didn’t want to come across like a needy teenager, but in point of fact, I kind of am one. Bruce accepted my Iyndari side with admirable tact and his usual unshakeable aplomb. But that didn’t mean he was going to be okay with it indefinitely. In my experience, I always need people way more than they need me. I feel too much, too soon. It’s just the way it goes for me. My abilities just added a whole layer of complication to a situation that suddenly seemed more like a minefield than a potential relationship.

And there was the real problem. I wanted so much more than just sex. I wanted us to be together in every sense of the word. It didn’t matter that we wouldn’t be able to be public about it. I didn’t care how complicated a juggling act it would require. I just wanted it, with depth that scared me. Believing that I could have it just because I wanted it, just because I had feelings for him was just as much a fairy tale.

I’ve ever been what you could call an optimist, but I don’t always default to worst case scenario. But right now, my brain seemed stuck on multiple terrible outcomes at once. Then again, maybe my brain’s little side trips weren’t so hard to understand. 

Bruce can literally have his pick of anyone eligible, and probably quite a few of those who weren’t. I don’t have a lot to offer someone like him. And let’s not even get started on all the embarrassing things he’s seen me do over the years. 

I may be many things, but I’m not stupid. I know that having an emotional advantage may not change the outcome for me. Just because my abilities give me another way to reach him, doesn’t mean he has to let me in, or that he would even want to. For all I know, all he wants from me is sex. 

I tried to be matter of fact about it, but just thinking it made my heart clench and I shook my head. Right, because that would be so terrible. We’d only had this one night, but I already wanted more. This was a really terrible time to decide to get greedy.

Maybe the best thing for me to do was to find a way to accept that all it was now was sex and that very well could be all that Bruce wanted. I stared at the ceiling and tried to reconcile myself to that being the most likely outcome. Even under the blankets, cold seeped into my bones. After another few minutes of trying to be still, I carefully slid out of the bed, found my pants and pulled them on. Thank gods for superior night vision. I didn’t bother with a shirt. Years of practice made it easy to be soundless as I moved to the far end of the long room and out the balcony door. I half expected Bruce’s voice to stop me, but he didn’t so much as twitch. I’d have to remember that he slept so well after sex. Now there’s a side benefit that could come in handy.

It wasn’t cold out, even so late, and I stood in the corner away from the door and looked out over the rolling hills of this side of the grounds. In the distance, I could see the shadows of trees; the old growth forest in the east reaches of the property was meticulously protected and surprisingly restful to spend time in.

After a few more minutes to admire the view, I swung myself up onto the balcony railing. My footing and balance gave me something to concentrate on in the back of my mind while I tried to pick apart why exactly I was so upset.

It didn’t take long to follow my previous train of thought to its logical conclusion. If all Bruce and I have is sex, then sooner or later that will end and I’ll have to let him go. Bruce doesn’t do long-term sexual liaisons. But the problem is he doesn’t do romantic relationships either – not real ones anyway. And it’s not like I have the charm, the experience or the seduction techniques that would tempt him to indulge in anything more long-term with me. 

We’d barely started and I was already so certain of the end. Stupid and pessimistic, I know, but it felt so inevitable, I couldn’t help it. The grief that evoked made me short of breath and I nearly wobbled before my muscle memory kicked in to save me from landing on my ass. 

Then my natural stubbornness kicked in. No way. No how. Not happening. I couldn’t lose someone else I love.

As soon as I thought it, I wanted to kick myself. Just because we slept together didn’t mean I was in love with him. I’ve loved him for years, but all the way can’t-live-without-him in love with him? That’s another thing entirely – and colossally stupid. Bruce isn’t exactly a model of emotional availability. And he has had good reason not to be. As far as I could tell from past examples, if anyone said the L word, things invariably ended.

For a moment, I wished I’d stayed inside so I could bang my head against the wall. My pulse jumped and my breath wanted to come faster. This whole situation was messy and complicated and I just made it worse. It would have made more sense to have this little emotional epiphany before I slept with him. But I never said I always made good decisions, especially where Bruce is concerned. Still, the fact that I was in love with him isn’t anyone’s business, not even his. I may be new to the relationship game, but even I know it’s not a good idea to lead with those kinds of revelations. 

It explained why the read off him was so intense, and why I’d started to get more from him despite his mental training. But that didn’t mean anything had to change. I’ve had feelings for him this long and things had turned out rather well, I think. And even if I couldn’t have him forever, I had him right now. 

Somehow, I would find a way for that to be enough.

“You know, generally when I go to bed with someone, they stay in the bed.”

Bruce hadn’t bothered with clothes as he padded closer to the door I’d left slightly ajar. I’d been thinking so hard I hadn’t heard him approach, but my mind and my instincts had long ago relegated him to safe, so that didn’t surprise me.

I had to fight down an apology at being found outside. Now more than ever, I wanted to hoard my time with him. I just think better with space, but I wasn’t sure how I could possibly explain that without sounding like an idiot.

“I didn’t go far,” I pointed out instead.

Being with someone who knew me so well had unexpected benefits just then, because he didn’t seem upset and he didn’t ask me what was wrong. 

Bruce just gave me a long look and then smiled. 

“Come back to bed,” he asked, his voice warm and amused, though I could feel a hint of uncertainty behind it.

I wasn’t reading him. It was just there. I tightened my controls as best I could after everything and it faded. It made me feel better to know I wasn’t the only uncertain one right now, but I didn’t want to be picking up anything too personal. Just because he’d given me carte blanche to read him earlier didn’t mean I was comfortable doing so now.

I jumped down, landed lightly on my feet as a matter of habit and walked over to him, slow enough to enjoy the view.

He watched me as I moved, and I liked the fact that his eyes lingered on the waistband of my pants where they gaped open. 

I focused on my breath for a moment and deliberately shoved everything else aside to focus on the man in front of me. For now, I had better things to do than wonder where all of this was going. Time to enjoy the hell out of what was happening right now.

“If I come back to bed, will you make it worth my while?” 

I trailed my hand down his chest, over his hip bone and ghosted it ever so close to his groin, just to hear him gasp at the contact with my slightly chilled skin.

“I can think of several very efficient ways to warm you up. And that’s just for a start.”

“Sold,” I told him as I moved back up to loop my arms around his neck. 

Just as I would have kissed him, Bruce broke away and led the way back to the bed. It took me a second to stop enjoying the view and follow him.

When I joined him on the bed, Bruce kissed me while he pulled the blankets back over us and helped me out of my pants.

When he moved back several long moments later, his voice was quiet, and close enough to my ear to run goose bumps down my neck. 

“There’s something I should tell you.”

“I asked Barbara to patrol tonight so we could have the night off for your birthday,” Bruce murmured.

It took a second for that to sink in. My brain wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders.

Trust him to come up with the perfect present. And it was perfect. I’d seen Batman go out on patrol when most people would be bedridden. And he expected the same of Robin. That he would willingly leave the mission to someone else, even for one night, meant a lot. I’d have been happy to spend the time with him no matter what, but just then, I was even more grateful. 

“Thank you,” I told him just before I tilted my face up to kiss him.

“You’re welcome,” he replied, his voice going a bit lower as I moved to nip at his earlobe and then soothe the resulting sting with my tongue. 

“I have to say, I think it might be more of a present for both of us at this point,” Bruce observed.

“I’m okay with that.” 

I moved down to taste the skin on the side of his neck, and wondered how long it would take to make him lose some of that calm control of his. He did say we didn’t have to be anywhere, so now seemed like an excellent time to find out. It would take some effort on my part because it was too easy to get lost in the emotions I could feel when this much bare skin was involved. But practice makes perfect and all that.

“I used to lay in bed at night and think about what you would look like when you came, what you tasted like,” I admitted. My voice was a bit rough as some of the old fantasies played behind my eyes, but that was alright. 

“Did you now? What else did you wonder about?” Bruce asked. The question should have sounded relatively innocent, but his tone made it positively filthy.

“If I tried to tell you all the things I’ve thought about, we’d be here for so many nights,” I answered, interspersing my words with kisses that trailed down his neck and chest. His nipples tightened as I watched, but I left them alone for the moment. 

“Don’t I have a right to know? You were thinking about me, after all,” he countered.

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you one of the ones I thought about most often. If you like it, maybe I’ll tell you more,” I couldn’t resist teasing.

“I used to think about you watching me, when I wanted you so much, I couldn’t help but jerk off. I’d imagine I was in your bed, and you came out of the shower. Still just wet enough to be even sexier, which really shouldn’t be allowed, by the way. 

And the towel really doesn’t leave much to the imagination so I don’t know why you bother. You see I’m there and you stop, because you know if you come any closer, you won’t be able to keep from joining in, and that would end the show.”

“Would it?” There was definite interest in Bruce’s tone now.

With a slow nod, I shifted to lay back against the pillows with my legs spread wide. 

“Oh yeah. Why don’t we make this show and tell?” I decided. 

Bruce stayed still but his eyes met mine and his gaze was so heated it felt like he reached out and ran a hand down my body. 

Somehow, I managed to keep my mind on what I was trying to do, and ran my hands down my chest so I could pinch my nipples until they hardened. I tweaked them again, harder and couldn’t help but gasp at the combination of pleasure and pain. 

In the back of my mind, it occurred to me that maybe he shouldn’t be able to get to me so quickly. But, now that I knew how good it could be, I couldn’t help but flush when he looked at me so intently. Still, never let it be said that I can’t rise to meet any challenge, so to speak. 

“I’d lay there, and I’d be so lost in what I was doing, I wouldn’t be embarrassed you were there. I’d just hope you liked what you saw.” 

It was harder to keep my voice steady, especially when I slid my hands further down, so one could play with my balls while the other took hold of my cock. I thought I was ready for what it would feel like. I’ve touched myself plenty over the years, after all. 

But it was a completely different experience doing it while Bruce watched, eyes dark with lust as they tracked every movement  
Under other circumstances I might have been embarrassed at just how quickly I was completely hard, but just then, I didn’t care. I stroked myself slowly, not as coordinated as I normally was either. For a guy trying to get to someone else, I was doing a damned good job getting myself hot and bothered.

“And I’d go slow to make it last, make it even better for you,” I explained. It was harder to find words, but I managed, barely.

The muscles in Bruce’s jaw flexed, and I saw his pulse speed up. But he still sounded too calm when he spoke. 

“Very considerate of you.”

“What can I say? I’m a considerate guy,” I answered.

The last word trailed off a bit when I moved the hand on my balls back a bit, just a tease but it still managed to shoot a bolt of pleasure right through me. Now I didn’t have to rely on imagination, I had to fight the part of me that wanted to beg to be taken right then and to hell with anything else. 

“I used to have to stop, because I’d get too close,” I continued, and dropped my hands to my sides so I could take a breath and fight for my own control. The urge to touch him swept through me, strong enough that I curled my hands into fists for a second to focus on not moving.

“You want to make me lose control?” Bruce asked, his voice low and just a little bit dangerous.

Of course he knew. The man doesn’t miss a trick. His voice was more Bat than Bruce at this point, and I really shouldn’t have found it so fucking hot. 

I’d have to work on that. 

“Yes,” I told him, unable to keep the hint of defiance out of my tone. 

Bruce moved then, from beside me to on top of me so fast I didn’t even have time to gasp. 

I couldn’t help but lift my hips, move against him. 

“Yeah, I really do.”

“You know, there’s one problem with your plan.” Bruce paused and reached out to grab my wrists and pin them to the bed above my head. 

“You failed to consider I might have so much control for a very good reason.”

“You won’t hurt me,” I answered, absolutely certain of that right down to my bones. It’s not that I didn’t know exactly how lethal he could be. I just knew he would sooner die than turn that capacity on me. 

“Wrong again,” Bruce replied, quiet but so matter-of-fact, I couldn’t help but shudder. 

“Would I hurt you in any way that would cause you lasting, permanent damage? No.  
But would I hurt you to push you out of your comfort zone? Oh yes. If it ever happens, I can promise that you’ll like it when I do,” he added, just before he kissed me until I was lightheaded and dizzy. 

The words were enough to make my pulse jump, and there was something in his tone that should have had me asking for distance. Instead, it did the exact opposite. I felt like there was no possible way we could get close enough. Distantly, I felt him release my wrists just before he put his hand on my shoulder. Need was rising again, but this time, it wasn’t because of my abilities. It was because it was Bruce, and was enough to make me desperate for touch for an entirely different reason. It wasn’t entirely comfortable to want him that much; It made me feel a little too out of control, but I didn’t care.

“Turn over.” 

It wasn’t a request. My body moved before Bruce finished the words. 

When I was on my stomach, I thought he would move to get the lube. Instead, he spread my legs so he could settle between them and ran a hand down my spine and over the curve of my ass. 

“You look amazing like this, spread out and so ready I bet you’d beg for it without too much effort on my part.”

I wanted to deny it, tell him I don’t beg for anyone, but then he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the curve of the top of my ass, and licked a stripe down. My words deserted me in a wash of pure want.

Maybe that was why I still didn’t realize what he planned when I felt his tongue slide even lower, and circle around my hole. The wet heat was a shock, and I almost jerked away until I realized it felt so much better than I expected. 

Again, I tried to speak, but it turned into a moan as he pushed his tongue inside of me and then repeated the motion again and again, going a little deeper each time. I’d never had anyone touch me there before. I’d read about it, but it hadn’t really seemed like something I’d be into. Man, was I wrong.

Bruce drew back just enough to speak. “It seems I found another thing you like.”

“Like might not be a strong enough word,” I managed to tell him, my words a bit muffled by the quilt and my arm. “That feels amazing. No one’s ever done that for me before.” As soon as the words were out, I wanted to take them back. It was bad enough to be as inexperienced as I was, without actually drawing attention to all the many things I hadn’t done yet.

But Bruce didn’t seem to mind, as he leaned down to trail hot biting kisses down the line of my spine. The heat of his mouth made me shudder and squirm, but even I couldn’t tell if I was trying to move away or get closer. 

After a moment, I shifted backwards in invitation to try to get him to do something, but he kept still. 

“I should stop this now; leave you like this to teach you a lesson about pushing my limits and unintentional consequences.” His voice had gone rough, so I knew he wasn’t unaffected but my breath caught. Bruce very seldom made idle threats. 

Deliberately, I thinned my barriers and let myself read him, just the surface, but it was enough to tell me he wasn’t really going to stop. I relaxed, just a little and dared a glance over my shoulder. 

“I can think of better things to teach me.”

“That’s cheating, and you know it.” Bruce gripped my shoulder hard enough that my breath hissed out abruptly, though the brief flare of pain only heightened the flood of arousal I was caught in. 

Even so, I should have guessed he would know if I read him. “Rules are meant to be broken, didn’t you know?” I told him. I’ve made a habit of pushing my luck, it wouldn’t be right to stop now.

“Maybe so, but breaking the rules can get you into more trouble than you can handle,” Bruce pointed out, as he shifted to kiss the patch of skin just above my tailbone, then moved lower once again.

Dammit, he didn’t play by the rules either. I was supposed to be making him lose control and here he was about to completely take me apart. How was that fair? Then again, I really wasn’t about to complain. 

I stopped being able to follow my own thoughts very well when he started all over again, opening me up with his mouth. I didn’t have to read him to get flashes of his enjoyment, pleasure and greed, want and satisfaction broke over me in unpredictable waves that further eroded my self-control. 

When he pulled back again, it was to chuckle at the whine I couldn’t quite manage to hold back. “Something you’d like?” he asked, he asked in a voice so silky smooth it should have been innocent but it really wasn’t.

“You know what I want,” I told him.

He didn’t dignify that with an answer, only pulled back so that he wasn’t touching me at all and waited.

These days, I had pretty good control over my abilities, but in that moment, the lack of skin to skin contact made my stomach pitch and my head go light as I fought the urge to roll over and reach out.

“You bastard,” I told him, beyond caring that my voice was completely wrecked.

“Now you’re catching on.” But he took pity on me, because in the next instant his hands were on my shoulders and his mouth at the nape of my neck. It wasn’t a hard bite, but when he bit down, my control snapped and I arched backward. I felt him suck a mark into my neck, felt the pressure increase until I knew it would be dark purple.

“Gods, Bruce, please. Just…please.” I stopped, my whole body aching for him to do something, anything even though in that moment I couldn’t have said what I wanted exactly.

“There now, you see? That wasn’t so hard.” Bruce told me, his voice so soft, almost gentle, if not for the steel underneath it. “I knew you’d beg.” 

The last was still quiet but the absolute certainty sent a shiver through me. It wasn’t the first time I’d thought he knew me better than I knew myself, but it was the first time the fact made me more than a little uncomfortable. I’d never let someone else have that kind of power over me before, never let sex mean more than temporary pleasure. This was so different from anything I’d done before, it should have scared me but it didn’t. The lack of fear, of such basic self-preservation set off a distant alarm bell in my mind.

“Give me time,” I told him, my voice hoarse from the war between want and some semblance of control. “I’m sure I’ll return the favour eventually. Aren’t you the one who tells me it’s good to have a goal?” I asked rhetorically, a hint of bite in my tone.

Then, Bruce guided me to turn over and there was nothing but the sight of him laid back against the pillows, as he reached out for me. 

I moved as quickly as I could manage, settled my knees on either side of his thighs so I straddled his lap, then leaned back slightly so I could catch my breath and look him in the eye. For all that we had done already, this was different. His hands on my waist felt almost like they were the only thing anchoring me to my body, I was strung so tightly into how much I wanted – no, make that needed – more from him. Part of me felt like I should say something but there was no room for words right now. Even a tiny pause was more than I could stand. 

Before I could shift to look for it, Bruce let go of me long enough to reach for the lube we’d left on the floor earlier. Once he found it, he kept his eyes on me, opened it by feel and slicked his cock. The bite of cold against his skin made him draw in a quick hiss of breath, but his eyes stayed on mine, like he couldn’t bear to look away and miss some reaction of mine.

I’d always known he had amazing focus, when the occasion called for it, but to be the centre of that attention was almost as amazing as the physical sensations, especially when I could feel flashes of his need, how much a part of him wanted to simply take what was his, but also how much he was enjoying drawing it out. In that moment, I didn’t have to wonder if he liked what he saw, I could feel it, how much he liked looking at me, watching my muscles flex as I moved over him.

The fact could feel so much from him let me know my control was slipping, but there was no way I could take the time to find it now. I had other more important goals on my mind.

We locked eyes again as I raised myself up to take him inside me. My own lack of experience – and what was left of my common sense meant I had to take it slow, but that was alright. Some things were better with more time to enjoy them. The wash of heated pleasure made my toes curl against the sheets and I let my head fall back, my eyes slipped closed. 

“I’ve thought of this too,” Bruce admitted his voice low enough that I had to strain to hear him over the thunder of my pulse in my ears.  
“Wondered what you looked like when you let yourself just let go and enjoy this. I never let myself believe it could be with me though, so I’ll admit the reality is so much better, the fantasy pales in comparison.”

As he spoke, Bruce hands trembled, just a bit, barely there, but I felt it. And, I felt the yearning that broke through with it. It matched the same one I’d felt for so long, more closely than I ever thought possible.

I wanted to ask him so many things in that instant: why he had never thought he could tell me? How could he possibly have thought to deny us both this? But the answers – or at least his reasons – shone through clearly, too. I could feel the echo of his worry that he could be taking advantage of me, could feel that there was more beyond that concern that I couldn’t reach without going too far.

Even in such a compromising position, I couldn’t help but disagree. “You’re wrong,” I told him.

Bruce’s grip tightened, almost painful on my hips, and his eyes narrowed. “Am I?”

He didn’t like that I’d read that, but that was just too damned bad. 

“Yes. You are.” Deliberately, I rolled my hips to be sure I had his attention and then reached down to put my hands on his shoulders. “You’re the expert on a lot of things. But not on what I think, on what I feel. You didn’t force this on me. In fact, you did the exact opposite. You admitted you likely never would have told me until I forced the issue last night. What I feel for you is huge and impossible but it’s wholly my own creation. Last night was the first time I was completely, totally grateful for my abilities because I wouldn’t have this, have you, without them. And I don’t want to go back to that, to being alone. Do you?”

It was supposed to be all arrogant challenge, but it wasn’t. I felt too vulnerable as I waited what seemed like endless seconds for him to answer.

“No.” 

It was only one syllable, but I felt myself relax as he said it. Gods, for just an instant I’d felt horribly uncertain, caught in a place where I wished I could take it back but needed to know all at once.

“The more you give me, the more I want,” Bruce told me, and thrust up just enough to make my breath catch.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” I retorted, spurred into motion at last. This time it was easier to find a rhythm that worked. My eyes slid shut as I fought to be able to move inside an onslaught of pleasure that made my muscles feel weak even as they burned. In this position, I could feel so much more, if anything it was more intense, and I revelled in it, pushed myself to go faster, to feel more of it. It wasn’t so much that I wanted the orgasm, so much as I just wanted to see how much more he could make me feel.

When you do the things I do in the air, you have to get comfortable with free fall. When you fly, you have to let go, and the instant you do, the world drops away and your stomach does that delightful swoop and there’s just you and the rush. 

This rush was the closest I’d come to that in years, and I was firmly on the ground. I would have tried to project it to Bruce, but that was beyond me, at least for now. So, I did the next best thing, and let what I was feeling show on my face, in the lines of my body, in the clutch of my hands against his shoulders. 

“Open your eyes, Dick,” I heard him ask, before Bruce moved one hand to the back of my neck.

Steeped in the pleasure that I could no longer separate as mine or his, it was a struggle to do as he asked, but I managed.

I watched his head move back at forth on the pillow before he looked up at me. I could see sweat on the line of his neck and leaned down to lick at his skin and brush kisses down to his chest.

“Faster,” he demanded.

I tried to agree with him, but all that came out was a long, shuddery moan as he began to thrust up even harder, and I felt familiar sparks at the base of my spine that radiated out into all of my limbs. I tried to hold off, wanted to just enjoy how amazing it all was, but I forgot how well Bruce can put details together when he chooses.

The hand on my hip lifted and took hold of me, stroked once, then twice and when he spoke his tone was that lower, threaded through with gravel one that had so gotten to me earlier. “Do it. Come for me. I want to watch you fall apart. You look so gorgeous when you come.” 

I could feel how much he meant it, but I still would have held on for a few more seconds except he leaned up and sucked my right nipple into his mouth and tugged. The flash of wet heat felt so good it dragged a broken cry from my throat even I started to come. 

Bruce stroked me through it, and then I thought he might flip our positions, but he didn’t, only looked at me with his eyes narrowed in the way that told me he filed away every detail, then thrust up a few more times. Even so completely wrung out with the after effects of orgasm, I could tell what he wanted, and forced my muscles to get with the program so I could grind down against him each time. When he let go, it was my name on his lips.

When both of us were breathing more normally, I shifted up, and let him slide out. It should have been messy and uncomfortable, maybe even awkward. But Bruce moved with me and we ended up side by side in the bed, and I propped myself up on one arm to look at him, while I tried to convince myself to go shower off before I let myself rest again.

Lost in my own thoughts I startled when Bruce shifted so he could look at me. “What is it?” he asked, his tone so carefully gentle I wanted to imprint it to remember later.

I shook my head. “Nothing important.” 

Bruce leaned down so that his breath ghosted against my lips. “Liar.”

This time I gave into the urge to sigh. “It’s not,” I insisted.

Irritation twined through the contentment that radiated from him then. “Then why won’t you look at me?” 

When I looked up, it was all I could do not to lean forward and kiss him. I couldn’t help myself. You try resisting someone you’ve wanted forever.

One deep breath, then another. I could still feel that I’d annoyed him; I didn’t feel any regret at all. Some of his walls were back up now that he was awake, but not all of them. He’d let me in, and he’d let me stay. That had to mean something. Gods, did I want it to mean something.

“What happens now?” Just asking made my chest feel too tight. I wanted to cringe at the thought of being such a cliché.

“That depends on what you want,” Bruce murmured.

“I know I don’t have the right to make demands on you.”

He said nothing, only looked at me for a long, silent moment. Then his hands moved to grip my waist and he rolled us over so we were face to face and I was all but draped over him. The heat of his skin felt so good, I reached out to run my hands down his chest before I even realized I was going to. As soon as I did, the same longing I’d felt before swept through me. 

“You took a risk when you followed me up here last night,” Bruce began, his voice not all together steady. “You took a risk to give us both something we never thought we’d have. I’d say that means you earned the right to ask for what you want.” 

The quiet intensity to his voice stole my breath and I couldn’t move. All of the things I wanted etched themselves on my mind’s eye. I managed to nod, and Bruce continued. 

“But you’re still avoiding the issue.” It was his turn to take a deep breath and I felt him tense before he spoke again. “I’m not good at relationships. Hell, I’m not sure I even know what that word means anymore. And I don’t know if it could be fair to you because there are already so many demands on my time.” He kept his tone carefully even, but I could feel the effort that took. And the longing I could feel from him intensified.

“I already know all of that. You don’t have to make the usual bullshit excuses to me.” It was an explanation and a plea all in rolled into one.

“You say that now, but if we do this, it’s not going to be easy. Nothing that happens between us can change what happens while we work. And, it’s not safe to tell the world about us, not even by accident. You have to know that.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. It wasn’t like we lived such safe lives at the best of times. Still, I knew it was true. I just didn’t like it. “I know,” I agreed, somewhat surprised by how calm my voice was. If that was the price I had to pay to be with him, then so be it. Not like I’m a stranger to difficult things.

I watched relief loosen his muscles, move over his face, glad I hadn’t hesitated. He needed to hear that in ways I didn’t understand - at least not yet. I’m at least as stubborn as he is, so I’m sure I’ll understand him eventually. There was a brief flare of what felt like hope, and Bruce’s hands tightened on my waist. “And you’re okay with that?” he asked. 

In that moment, I knew it would be up to me to say it. Not only was he emotionally repressed, Bruce needed me to be sure of what I wanted. 

“I wish things could be different and the whole world could know,” I managed to stop myself from adding who I belong to. “But, that doesn’t matter. I want you, no matter what it takes.”

“Good,” he answered, and then kissed me. Relief joined the longing then and I couldn’t tell if it was his or mine. 

When we broke apart, he would have said something else, but I held up a hand. “Wait. Hang on a second.” I had to shut my eyes and grit my teeth to bring my mental barriers back up. The pressure felt like someone put my head in a vice, and I could barely hold back a gasp. My control was still something of a work in progress and now that I’d let my control off its leash, it wanted to stay off. The barriers didn’t snap into place the way they should have, they shifted slowly, sluggish and unhappy. This was one case where stubbornness counted for something, and I persisted until things were back where they should be, more or less. 

When I opened my eyes, Bruce looked at me with concern. “Are you alright?”

He knew what I’d done and wasn’t a fan of the side effects, but that was his only question. “As much as I enjoyed not having to block - and believe me, I really did, it’s not a good idea for me to leave my barriers down for too long. For someone still so new at this, the longer they stay down, the harder it is to put them back up properly.” 

Bruce nodded once, his expression less than pleased. “I see.”

I didn’t like that he was unhappy, but it was necessary. He needed to know I would respect his privacy and his boundaries no matter what happened between us. And I needed to know that I could control my abilities when it really mattered. I had more than enough of them running my life instead of the other way around.

It took a minute to settle the thrum of nerves I felt once the read off of Bruce had gone muted and distant again. But there was another good reason to block that had nothing to do with privacy. I’m still unclear on how much my abilities can influence others. The book Blake gave me referenced the possibility of being able to control what other people felt, to some degree or another, and I didn’t want even a hint of that to come up later. I’m plenty good at second guessing myself without giving myself extra ammo. 

“You still haven’t told me exactly what you want from me,” Bruce pointed out. “Is this just about sex for you?” His voice was so carefully neutral I might have believed he wasn’t concerned about my answer, except for the slight echo of fear I felt from him.

I fought not to choke on my own hesitation. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what I wanted. I just wasn’t sure I was brave enough to ask for it. But then again, the last crazy chance I took turned out pretty well for me.

“If that’s all you feel you can give me, I’ll take it,” I answered. “But what I feel for you has never been just about sex. I want us to be together, however it works for both of us. We never really managed normal, but our particular brand of abnormal works for us. Or, at least I think it does.”

“Fair enough. And when you picture us together, is this an exclusive arrangement?” Bruce’s tone was still even and he tried for calm, but I could still feel the echo of fear and something darker at the edge of my mind. And I noticed how tense he was around the eyes. 

The last thing I wanted was to come across as overly possessive and needy. But the thought of Bruce like this with anyone else made my stomach toss and clench. “I’ve tried the whole casual thing,” I finally said, in my best guarded tone. “It doesn’t really work for me.” 

I only had an instant of warning, the tense set of his muscles, and then Bruce shifted to change our positions again. This time I ended up pinned to the mattress, trapped beneath the weight of his body against mine. 

“That’s good, because I don’t want casual from you. I want everything. And I don’t share.” This time his voice lowered to a growl that made desire curl sharply in my chest and lower.

“Not a problem,” I assured him and it wasn’t. He didn’t seem to have caught on yet. I’d been his for so long, I didn’t know how to be anyone else’s and I wouldn’t want to. Blanketed by his weight, I couldn’t help myself; I arched against him, grabbed at his shoulders and was about to reach up to kiss him when he pressed his mouth to mine. His tongue ran along my lips until I opened my mouth, licked in slowly, like he wanted to memorize each angle and line. Who knew? Maybe he did. 

We traded a few more kisses back and forth and then I drew back and tried to remember what else I wanted to say. “I didn’t have a plan when I followed you up here. I mean, I guess I should apologize for reading you that way, but it would be a lie. And once I did, once I knew how you felt, I needed to understand how you could feel all that for me and I had no idea,” I told him, the words halting and clumsy. It bothered me more than I wanted to admit, but the next words came out in spite of themselves. “I wish you could have told me. I thought it bothered you, that you didn’t like having to touch me, but you did it anyway out of obligation.”

This time Bruce kissed me with so much force, it felt like my lips might actually bruise. He didn’t ask, he simply took, and it went on long enough that I felt like I couldn’t quite get enough air, but I didn’t care. 

“How could I not like touching you? You are many things to me, but you have never been an obligation. You couldn’t be.” He stopped and stroked a hand down the side of my face so he could cup my jaw, and brush his mouth against my forehead, my eyes, and then my lips. This kiss was gentler, until I edged forward and bit his lower lip just hard enough to sting. 

That made him tangle a hand in my hair and tug hard enough I was hard pressed not to moan. But I supposed turnabout was fair play and all. 

When he pulled back to speak, Bruce’s eyes had gone dark and this time the echoes I could feel were heated and wanting but then fear edged in again for a moment, then faded. 

Even dulled it made my heartbeat pick up, but I ignored it, because Bruce was still talking.

“I thought I had no right to feel the way I do about you, to want you the way I do and…”he trailed off. 

I fought to find some store of patience. Bruce wasn’t a talking about his feelings kind of a guy at the best of times and I was no prize either. There was no point in taking my discomfort out on him. 

“And what?”

“And that if I didn’t keep some distance between us, you’d find out exactly how long I’ve wanted you.” 

“How long?” I asked, because this obviously needed to be dealt with before it got any bigger.

“Long enough for me to feel like a dirty old man,” Bruce admitted after a long pause.

“You’re not,” I comforted. “I haven’t been a child in a very long time and we both know you never would have let anything happen before I was eighteen anyway. And just to be clear, I never would have let you get away with putting that much distance between us if I hadn’t been keeping secrets of my own. You don’t get to re-write this story into some tragedy where you took advantage of me just because you feel guilty for no good reason. We both got exactly what we needed, apparently in spite of ourselves.”

Bruce’s lips quirked in a small smile that widened into a real grin. “I guess that makes us quite a pair then, doesn’t it?”

“So what else is new?” I pointed out. 

“But I mean it. I can’t lie when I project, Bruce, it’s not possible, especially not with people I really care about.” It wasn’t all of the truth, but it was as much of it as I could share and not send the man running in the other direction while I was trying to convince him of my sincerity.

***

When I’d made arrangements for us to take the night off patrol, I thought that would be a nice birthday present for him and a bit of down time for me. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would spend the night together.

Not that I was complaining, but this time, I couldn’t let myself slide into sleep. There were a lot of questions we hadn’t answered yet. Topping the list, I couldn’t help but wonder how exactly both of us would handle such a huge shift in our relationship. Nothing on this earth could ever make me regret what we had done. Given the feelings he’d shared with me, I didn’t think Dick would either. But that didn’t mean either of us were magically better with these kinds of relationships, at least when they were real and mattered.

Part of me wanted me to push him away hard enough that this would be done before it started. One look down my bed partner, his messy hair spread across my chest and I knew that wasn’t possible. I couldn’t do that to him, or myself. Now that I had him, I couldn’t conceive of letting him go.

Just this once, I figured I was entitled to be sentimental. I caught sight of the mark on his neck and got distracted by a surge of possessiveness.

I liked the smear of reddish purple, liked that it showed the whole world that someone had claimed him, even if they couldn’t know who it was. It certainly seemed like he enjoyed them, too, which was a happy coincidence, though I’m not sure he’d want to show them off as much as I wished he could.

Sex and all the baggage that came with it were nothing new to me, but whatever this was between us, I knew it was nothing like any of my previous attempts at a relationship. The playboy persona is tiresome, but it serves to keep things superficial and neatly compartmentalized. The different parts of my life never overlapped until now. 

The depth of what Dick had shared with me had shocked me to the point where I was grateful he didn’t expect coherence right away. I anticipated my reaction to his body, but I had never dreamed he would be able to share so many of his emotions. If it had been anyone else, I might have suspected a trick of some kind. From him, I knew that wasn’t possible.

I’m not naive enough to believe that the fact we’d slept together would magically make all the conflict between us vanish. I wouldn’t want it to. The fact that Dick tells me exactly what he thinks - whether I’d like it, or whether he knew it would guarantee a screaming match - was just one of the things I enjoyed about him.

As good as I am at denial, I don’t make a habit of outright lying to myself, at least not anymore. Lack of self-awareness gives your enemies weaknesses to exploit. But so did love – and I had a sinking feeling I was closer to in love with him than I’d like. It didn’t matter that whatever was between us was so new. It didn’t matter that I had no idea where things would go from here. When we met, I wanted to protect him and guide him. Then, gradually we ended up friends, and then somehow, despite how hard I fought, that friendship evolved into something much deeper.

Tonight would change everything. Even with what he’d projected at me, I found myself at a loss. The idea that anyone could want me so fiercely, the real me, not some flimsy cardboard cut-out projection was unbelievable. Never mind that I’m old enough to be his father, I never thought a damaged workaholic could be anyone’s vision of a dream guy. 

In theory, I know how relationships work, the give and take that is necessary to build a strong foundation. In practice, every relationship I’ve tried to have has fractured under the pressure of the conflicting demands of my supposed life and my real life. And those that managed to survive that conflict eventually failed to thrive because I let too much of who I really am shine through. They may have given me the old it’s not you, it’s me speech, but I could see the truth much more clearly than they knew. 

No one I’ve cared about has ever been able to withstand the darkness I carry within me. Some thought they could change me, shine a light on it, or something. Others thought they could save me, patch up the wounded parts of me and walk out of the darkness at my side. Ultimately though, they had to get away from me because they started to find darkness in themselves, or they were scared they would be overwhelmed by mine.

Since he was sleeping, I let myself look my fill. Oh I did plenty of looking while he was awake. Have you seen him? Believe me when I tell you, I wasn’t the only one looking. This was different. I didn’t have to worry that he might see much or consider how much he might be reading from me. On balance, I didn’t really stop to consider it. There wasn’t really much about me that he didn’t know. Well, correction, there was a hell of a lot he didn’t know, but there wasn’t a lot I minded if he knew. Besides, he wasn’t a mind reader; he just happened to have access to more of my emotions than most people. And really, of the two of us, I figured that one of us should and it sure as hell wasn’t me. 

It’s not that I’m not self-aware. It’s simply a matter of efficiency. I’m much more efficient if I don’t consider emotions and that includes my own. But in this, like everything else, Dick was the exception to my rule; none of my feelings about Dick ever wanted to stay in the boxes they were supposed to live in. Then again, if they did, last night would not have happened.

I’ve spent months telling myself I wasn’t allowed to feel that way about him. In all those lectures I gave myself, I failed to consider one very important factor: exactly how stubborn Dick could be when he wanted something. 

And yet, even with all the potential problems, I couldn’t help but be glad he’s done what he did. The picture he made spread warmth through my chest. And the longer I looked at him, the harder it got to breathe. I couldn’t conceive of a world where I would be able to keep him for nearly as long as I wanted to. 

Even after this one night, I knew I could ever be strong enough, or unselfish enough to tell him he would be better off without me, even if it was true. Selfish or not, I would damn well make enough memories to give myself something to hold on to after he was gone. Because it was only a matter of time before he realized exactly what I could and couldn’t give him. Just because I knew I’d never be able to outrun my own darkness forever didn’t mean I could give up my work. And he deserved better than to come in second to Batman’s mission, no matter how much he believed in it himself. As I finally began to relax into sleep, I wasn’t sure how much of me would survive when he left.

***

If I’d had my way, Bruce and I would have been able to spend the next few days in bed, cocooned in our own little world, with nothing to worry about beyond getting to know each other’s bodies better and occasionally remembering to eat. But, the real world was waiting as I forced myself to get out of the nice warm bed and let auto-pilot get me into the shower. I set the water to as hot as I could stand, and stepped under the spray. The water pounded against the muscles of my back while I tried to wake up enough to think past my libido.

It was a tough contest, and I nearly gave in and went back to bed, but I had plans I needed finalize. Besides, Bruce had to be up shortly. His days started far too early for common decency. I took a deep breath, grabbed a hold of my resolve and reached for a towel. 

“Here.” Bruce handed me one of the larger bath sheets, his hand trailing over my wrist once I took it. “I never thought I’d see the day you had more self-control than I did.”

I indulged myself with a long look, since he hadn’t bothered to put any clothes on. 

“It seems to be deserting me at the moment. I didn’t want to wake you, but now I’m wishing we’d showered together.”

“As much as I agree with you, if I get in there with you, I’ll be late for the board meeting I need to be at shortly,” Bruce replied, as he stepped back for me to get out of the glass enclosed shower.

It took a second to wrap the towel around me, and I stepped out.

The biggest reason I’d gotten up when I did was to prove that I could. There was a part of me that wanted to hold on to him and refuse to let go. But I knew exactly how well Bruce responds to that kind of clingy. Besides, the part of me that craves contact got more than enough out of the last night. Greed is not becoming, no matter what that part of my brain says. 

“The work I need to do should only take me until early afternoon. Do you want to meet for lunch?” Bruce asked, his tone carefully casual. 

“I’d like that,” I told him, not even bothering to pause to think about it.

“Where would you like to go?”

I bit back my first answer, which was right here. I could be a rational adult, damn it. 

As I watched, Bruce’s gaze went heated and he smiled, slow and warm. “I like the way you think.”

“Didn’t say a word over here.”

“That’s the danger of getting involved with someone who knows you this well. You didn’t have to.”

I shifted and crowded him back against the wall, then went up on my toes so I could kiss him until we both ended up fighting for control of it. I broke away but stayed close enough to murmur. “I’m sure there are many, many reasons why getting involved with you is going to be dangerous. And you know what? I don’t care. Just this once, we both get what we want. And you’re stuck with me now, you got it?” I knew I sounded too intense and possessive, but what the hell? Some things were worth it.

He reached down past the towel and put his hands on my ass, then pulled just hard enough to get me off balance and leave the imprint of his hands on my skin. “Got it. Definitely.” Bruce’s voice was low and just as possessive which didn’t help my control.

After a few seconds, I slid my hands off his shoulders and was about to step back when he shook his head slightly.

“Oh no. I don’t think so,” he told me. That was the only warning he gave me before he surged forward to kiss me again, and yanked me forward so I half fell against him. Without thinking, I abandoned my towel and shifted to wrap my legs around his waist. Here was a whole new reason to be grateful for my flexibility. 

Bruce made a noise of approval, then turned so he could all but tackle me to the bed. 

I happily arched against his weight, but when I opened my mouth to speak, he reached between us to run his hand down the length of me and all I could do was moan. “Gods, I can’t think when you do that.”

“Thinking is overrated,” Bruce countered, as he kissed his way down my chest, still stroking me lazily, with just enough pressure to make me desperate for more. “Besides, I can think of so many other things for you to do right now.

“Gee, what a shock.” I hadn’t actually meant to say that last part out loud. I could feel myself flush, and let my eyes slide shut. Snarky teenager was not the image I wanted to convey right now.

“Hey.” Bruce’s voice was gentle as he reached to tip my chin and waited until I reluctantly looked at him. “Don’t be embarrassed. I know you. And, I want you. Right now, the way I see it, we have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

“That’s true.” It was crazy that things were already so intense, but I didn’t give a shit. I was grabbing on to whatever I could get, and for once, I refused to think about the consequences. I could do that later when I was safely alone and there was no one to see me freak out.

I looked up at him again, saw the same hesitancy I was feeling in his eyes, and couldn’t help but smile. That was something, at least.

“I keep thinking this can’t be real. I can’t be this lucky.”

“Believe me, I know.” He leaned down to kiss me, so sweet and gentle, I felt the tension in my shoulders fade away. 

“You got anymore huge bombshells for me?” I asked when we broke apart again.

“I think we’re done talking for right now.”

I wasn’t stupid enough to argue with that.

***

Bruce was more than an hour late, but only smiled at my concern and pointed out they couldn’t start without him. Once he was safely on his way, I went into my own room to grab clothes, changed quickly, and then took the closest route down to the cave. Seated at the main computer terminal, I called up the file I’d password protected and the design schematics for the new suit flashed up on the screen.

I’d spent years as Robin, in some ways, I’d grown up more in the suit than out of it. But if Bruce and I were going to move forward as partners, it was important we do it on equal footing. With all the history between Batman and Robin, some of those patterns were basically set in stone. I’d been thinking for a while that it was time for a change. 

Now, after everything that happened, it made more sense than ever to move forward with my plan, but I’d underestimated my ability to concentrate. Flashes of the night before kept getting me distracted, on top of which, I was having problems controlling my abilities. For once, it wasn’t because I needed more contact, but rather because I kept losing control of my filters. With no one around, it wasn’t dangerous, but it was horribly distracting, and I had no idea what was causing it. From what I’d read thanks to Blake, excessive happiness didn’t cause problems with abilities like mine, but to be honest, I didn’t have a lot of experience with happiness like this, so really, what the hell did I know?

Still, I had important work to do, no matter what my brain did or didn’t want. The designs weren’t quite where I wanted them to be. The new suit looked good, but didn’t have the lines I wanted yet, and still needed the safety features fine-tuned. And I hadn’t even started on the offensive capabilities yet. Part of me thought I’d leave that until I had a chance to tell Bruce about my plans, but I couldn’t decide exactly how finalized I wanted the suit before he saw it. I knew he wouldn’t violate my privacy and go looking through my files, but I swear the man has superhuman radar for when something’s up. Even when changes are for the better, he knows when they’re coming.

Bottom line? I really didn’t know what he would think or what his reaction would be. I mean, we were partners, yes. But the power dynamic between us has always been that he is firmly in charge. I was about to ask him to change all of that. More than that, I would be asking him to trust me enough to put us on equal footing. I wasn’t planning on challenging him on things he knew more about; I was fine with him in charge when it was needed. But it wasn’t always needed any more, and when it wasn’t, our opinions, and needs had to hold equal weight. That was the only way I could see to make this work that wouldn’t eventually make us go off the rails. I’d had a long time to think about all of this before I ever even thought us being together was possible, so for the most part, I liked to think I had a pretty solid grasp on the situation.

Bruce would never have let things between us escalate if he didn’t see me as an adult, but there was a big step between you’re an adult and I trust you enough to let you be my equal, take a leap of faith and then see what happens. And it’s a big step when you’re dealing with someone who only has average control issues. The control issues Bruce has are second only to those the Batman manages to co-exist with. Granted, the man has a very good reason for his controlling tendencies, no matter whether he wore the cowl or he didn’t. But that didn’t mean I wanted to trip over them. 

I couldn’t blame him for his protective tendencies toward me either, whether I was suited up or not. If I tried to blame him, then I’d be a flaming hypocrite, since I did my very best to protect him as much as I could. And I wanted most to be able to protect him from himself and the self-destructive shit that I was beginning to suspect was coded into him at the cellular level. I wanted to be able to give him something that gave him a real refuge from the ugliness in the world.

But I’d be damned if I was going to do that while still being the lesser one in the relationship. It hadn’t really fallen into place for me until I saw some news piece or other refer to Robin as the most famous sidekick in the world. If I suited up as Robin, then some part of Batman would always see me as a child. Regardless of how his feelings for me might have changed, regardless of how much I’ve grown up, I would always be the protégé in need of protecting. Whether he liked it or not, Bruce needed someone who could protect him just as much as he thought I did. He needed someone who could protect him from himself and from the wolves who thought Bruce Wayne was either a meal ticket or an easy mark. His public persona was crafted that way for a reason, but the implied lack of intelligence did come with problems.

My realizations about what I wanted in my working relationship with Batman were simple and they changed absolutely nothing about what I wanted in my romantic relationship with Bruce. Immediately after I realized Robin needed to retire, came the realization I could never give up patrolling with Batman. The Bat may like to look all powerful but he wasn’t. And he needed someone to watch his back, even when it might be easier to be alone. But, I needed to be able to do that and be seen for who I really am, not who he still thought I was.

It’s a little embarrassing how long it took me to figure out the solution. Nearly an hour of banging my head against the proverbial wall passed before it hit me: just because Robin needed to retire definitely didn’t mean I had to. Once I made that leap, the new suit came to life in my mind without too much trouble, though I smiled when I realized the lessons in design and rendering I never thought I would use when Batman made me learn them were sure coming in handy now. I couldn’t help but wonder if the current situation was the reason for his insistence, but there was no way to know. Still, I hoped so. It made me smile to think that he’d thought about the future that way.

My current struggle was the chest plate of the new suit, but as I worked I pondered the new identity. Whoever I was about to become, he needed a name. I knew what he stood for already, that wasn’t something I needed to change or question, but I still didn’t quite have the whole picture. Harder edged, and a bit angrier certainly, but that was understandable. Robin had seen more of the worst of humanity. That sort of thing left a mark on the adult you became.

Maybe I couldn’t sort out that side of my life because I still hadn’t committed to what the hell I was doing next. College was a logical next step, but the logistics were going to be a nightmare, even if I did it all online. I wasn’t any closer to figuring out if I wanted to major in law enforcement and justice studies, or computer science. It’s hard when you’re equally passionate about two things, but you know you only have time for one.

I rotated the model and brought up the schematics for the weapons I wanted to include off to the side of the main display. There had to be a way to implement all of them without adding too much bulk. I’ve always like a challenge, even with something like this, so it didn’t surprise me that I got lost in the work. A bit later, I stretched my arms and sighed. 

“As you have plans for lunch, I didn’t bring food, but perhaps coffee will improve your outlook.” 

Alfred’s voice was calm, but I still jumped, just a little. I swear the man is part ninja, he moves so quietly. Just because I wasn’t ready to show Bruce the plans though, didn’t mean I was upset about a second set of eyes.

“What do you think?”

“I think it’s a very smart move considering your current situation,” he answered as he walked over to set the coffee tray on the side counter. “Do you have the specifics of the identity in mind yet?”

“I haven’t come up with a name yet, so it’s hard to say, exactly. I’m close though.”

“I’ve given the matter some thought actually. So if you don’t mind input from an old man…” he trailed off in question.

“I learned a long time ago to always listen to your advice, Alfred, you know that.” I grinned up at him, and tilted my head toward the controls of the display. “Go ahead.”

He poured my coffee, doctored it and handed it to me before he stepped close enough to input some new parameters, but when he did, the suit looked sleeker, and had more offensive options for the arm panels, which helped balance the chest plate.

“Also, I had a thought regarding the name. You want something that works for a newer more adult you, but still pays homage to your legacy as Robin.” 

He paused and looked from the design hologram to me, so I nodded.

“I thought…perhaps, Nightwing?”

As soon as he said it, I felt my grin get wider. “I like it. In fact, I think you nailed it.”

I sipped my coffee – perfect of course – as I stepped up beside him to change the file name in the computer. Even without contact, Alfred was one of the people I could occasionally get flashes from. His satisfaction that I liked the name swirled with pleasure at being included, pride and affection that went deeper than anyone who saw him would think he was capable of. 

Years ago, when Bruce took me in, he always tried to be my friend. He said I already had a father and he had no intentions of replacing him. Alfred was different, older and much more set in his ways, but also more willing to step into the role of disciplinarian and if not father, at least authority figure. And I couldn’t think of a single time since I’d come to the Manor that I’d needed him and he hadn’t been there. 

No wonder it felt so right that he came up with the new name. “Thanks, Alfred. Really.” 

For the name, for the implicit support and approval and for so many other things. But this was an Al, so he knew that. I’m almost positive he knows pretty much everything.

After another few minutes he went upstairs to continue with his daily chores. So when I heard footsteps only a few minutes later, my first thought was that Alfred had more input. Then, I realized that wasn’t who was headed into the Batcave.

I had time to swallow my nerves and take a deep breath.

“Barb. Hi.” 

If she felt half as awkward as I did, Barbara didn’t show it. She looked calm and collected in a pale yellow dress, but I could see tension in the lines around her eyes and the set of her lips.  
Amazing how guilt could make you feel graceless and awkward. Logically, I knew I – that we – hadn’t done anything wrong. But that didn’t change the fact that I knew what Bruce and I were now was going to hurt my friend. And I hated that, no matter how much I would fight to keep him.

“I figured we should talk.” 

Whatever she had to say, I probably deserved. And she was my friend – at least I hoped so – which meant I needed to hear her out.

“Alright. What did you want to talk to me about?” I’ve found in situations like these, it’s better not to make any assumptions.

“I think you know,” Barb retorted. She took a second to get comfortable in the chair closest to mine. When she looked up at me I could see how hard she had to work for her calm. I hated that I could see the shadows of pain in her eyes.

“I saw you, you and Bruce at the party, just before you both disappeared.” 

Another pause, this one painful enough that I tried to think of something I could say, but came up blank. I was sorry she was hurting, but sorry I had Bruce? No chance.

“I guess what I want to know is, how long? I know you figured out how I felt, even if we never talked about it. You’re not stupid and with your abilities, there’s no way you missed it. I’m trying to be mature and adult about it, I swear I am, but there’s a part of me that can’t stop picturing the two of you laughing about it for weeks.”

“No, Barb. Just…no. That’s not how it was, I swear.” Without even thinking about it, I reached out to take her hand, then took a deep breath at the rush of feelings that hit me: hurt, betrayal, sadness and anger and a healthy dose of embarrassment. 

Another deep breath and I narrowed my focus to only my sincerity I gently pushed at her. 

“Bruce and I only talked about things between us for the first time after the party. I promise you that much, that and that we would never laugh at you. Though if I’m being honest, I don’t actually know if Bruce is aware of your feelings. It didn’t come up, and I didn’t want to mention it, in case you didn’t want him to know.” 

I could tell the moment I what projected reached her, because her smile grew brighter and she looked up at me without hesitation. 

“I’m pretty sure he knows and is just waiting for me to get over it. I’m trying my very best with that.”

“Believe me, you’re talking to someone who actually gets how hard that would be,” I assured her. It sucked that she was stuck in what had to be a shitty situation, but at least she was trying to be clear headed about it.

“Yeah, I guess you do,” Barbara agreed. She leaned back slightly then, and her expression cleared to her usual direct curiosity. “So you’re together now.”

It wasn’t a question but I nodded anyway. 

“Yes.” And wasn’t that just its own little thrill? 

“I don’t know exactly what it’ll look like long-term, and believe me, I know it won’t be easy, but we’re together and we will be for as long as he’ll have me.”

Barb laughed. It was a little strained, but a laugh.

“Are you kidding?” she demanded. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. Now that he has you, he’s never letting you go. And judging by the look of you, you’re okay with that.”

Maybe I could be that lucky. She knew us both well. Gods, I wanted her to be right. 

“I hope so.”

She made a distinctly unladylike snort. “I don’t have to hope. You’ll see. Eventually, you’ll have to put up with me saying I told you so about this.” Barb took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. “Anyway, I just thought you should know that I know about the latest development. And that I won’t say anything, of course.” 

The pause was so slight I almost missed it, then she reached out and took my hand, and I could feel her determination to be a good friend even while she dealt with her own issues. “And I wanted to say that when you need to talk, I’m here…even about this. I might have to ask you to skip over some of the details, but you’re going to need someone who gets it, too. So, that can be me. What are friends for, right?”

“Right,” I agreed. It took effort to keep my tone light. I don’t know what I’d done to deserve a friend like her, but whatever it was, I could only be glad about it now.

We chatted about other things then. I showed her the renderings for the new costume, which she approved of, and she told me she’d accepted an invitation to go out with a colleague who seemed like a good guy. And maybe it took a bit more effort, but it felt good to just relax and talk, without the change in my relationship status looming over us.

***

The next few days passed too quickly. There weren’t enough hours in the day to spend enough time with Dick. But, it helped that I hadn’t slept alone since the night before his birthday. I worried that things would be awkward on patrol, but Robin was all business each night and this one looked to be no different. We were finishing up a final sweep of the docks, when Alfred’s voice sounded on comms.

“Priority message from Gotham search and rescue, sir. They’ve got a large group of campers trapped on Gull Mountain, and the weather is making things difficult. They’re calling for reinforcements from out of state but the latest weather report says things are only going to get worse. There’s another severe thunderstorm headed our way.”

I’d been fantasizing about a hot shower –hopefully with company – for at least half an hour. The rain that had been steady for days was cold and heavy enough to sneak rivulets down the back of your neck when you least expected it.

The last thing I wanted to do was go rescue people who likely should have had the good sense to pack up and go home days ago. 

“Acknowledged,” I told him, careful to keep my voice neutral. “Relay their last known coordinates; we’ll go lend a hand.”

“I took the liberty of sending the Bat Plane to your location, sir. The coordinates and all the current known information will be waiting for you.”

“Efficient, as always,” Robin commented just before he landed lightly beside me.

“Good timing,” I observed.

“I was already close,” Robin confessed. “But thanks.” 

Somehow, it helped that he didn’t look any happier to see our night extended than I did. We made it to the site of the rescue operation in only a handful of minutes but even in that short time, the weather had taken a major turn for the worse. There was no way anyone else –who had to rely on human pilots – was going to fly in this. We were the only reinforcements were going to get.

I engaged the smart auto pilot and took a moment to use the plane’s sensors to be sure there were no unpleasant surprises waiting for us. Twenty three civilians, six rescue personnel, and us.

Despite the panic amongst those on the ground, things went as smoothly as you could expect. I focused on keeping the Bat plane where it needed to be in order to retrieve those Robin got into safety harnesses. Then I dropped them off with the rescue personnel and went back to repeat the procedure. 

On what was likely to be the last trip, I headed back to pick up the final civilian, a young girl who appeared injured as well as terrified. Not a good combination. I activated the plane’s floodlights to try and make things a little easier, but if anything, the sudden light scared the little one even more.

In her panic, she tried to run, but Robin caught her without too much trouble, hopefully in a hold that would subdue her enough to hopefully listen to what he was telling her.  
Just as I saw her relax and listen, I heard a distant boom, oddly percussive with a dull roar beneath it. The sound caught Robin’s attention; I saw his head tilt to hear it.

Then, so quickly I didn’t even have time to call out a warning, the river bank they were crouching on disintegrated beneath them, too saturated to hold their combined weight. As they fell, I watched Robin twist in the air to grab a hold of the girl, and then they hit the water. 

My pulse beat in my ears until it was all I could hear for an instant, and then I shoved my reactions aside and focused on bringing up the data from Robin’s primary tracker, and switching the course input to follow his estimated trajectory based on the location information, even as intermittent as it was.

A few seconds after I managed it though, the volume of water increased exponentially and I realized the sound I heard must have been the dam upriver giving away under the increased pressure. It made sense but it meant that there was no hope of spotting either of them in the rushing murk that was now so much faster and full of debris. I saw bits of trees, rocks that were closer to boulders and what I was fairly certain was part of a golf cart, and that was just the things I could identify. 

My mind’s eye wanted to show me pictures of Robin colliding with God knew what as he was flung about in the water, but I pushed that aside, and focused on keeping up with the rushing current, simultaneously launching a subroutine for the suit infrared mode that would track human shapes and body movement.

Sure enough, only a handful of seconds later, the girl rose up far enough out of the water for me to lock onto her for a moment, and I could see Robin’s arm beneath her.

Even as a voice in my head that sounded suspiciously like Alfred told me it was a spectacularly bad idea, I put the plane on voice controlled auto pilot, and moved to the edge of the main drop door. I needed to be closer to the water so I could get the both out of there, and no one else was anywhere near enough to be of any help.

I don’t recommended rappelling into the teeth of a thunderstorm; not only was I drenched within seconds, visibility was next to nil and the wind was strong enough to seesaw me back and forth. The overlay of the tracker data showed me I was getting closer though, so I ignored all the other input and patched myself through to the auto pilot to correct our position. 

Robin’s tracker told me he was moving rapidly downstream. The girl was nowhere to be seen, and there was no way to know how far the greedy monster of water had pushed her. 

I wanted to curse, wanted to scream, something, but there was no time.

I scanned the water and reminded myself Robin had completed water survival training, had his re-breather on his belt, and was the last person to lose his head in a crisis. All these things counted in his favour. 

Then I told the autopilot to keep pace with Robin’s tracker. I had to believe he’d kept hold of her, because there was no choice. I had to go after Robin before I continued to look for her. There was another, colder part of me that said that the wrong call, that I had to save the innocent first. I squashed it down without a second thought.

There are points in my life that I remember time as stretched out, moments drawn out so that you live a lifetime of grief and fear as each one washes over you. 

As I hung there, desperate for some sign of Robin, the helplessness I felt cut into me like shards of glass that would mean I would be bleeding, if I looked at myself.

Finally, lifetimes later, I rounded a bend in the path of the water, as it rushed up against a steep hill and saw him, washed up against a tree that had wedged itself to a stop. His upper body was safely on the tree, but his legs were in the water, and he wasn’t trying to move. His right arm clung to the tree, but I could see his grip start to loosen. But, in his left, cradled as high as he could get her, was the little girl. She was soaked to the skin, filthy and gulping air like she desperately wanted to cry, and utterly, gloriously alive.

Relief made me light headed for a moment, as shame inched its way underneath the sudden flood of emotion I couldn’t hold back. I was glad she was alive, but it was no thanks to me. If Robin hadn’t sacrificed himself to keep her out of the water, she would have died. 

Only when the noise from the rest of the world rushed back did I realize my focus had narrowed far enough that everything except my own heartbeat had gone quiet. The sound of my own breath was loud in my ears, as I corrected my position and reached down for the girl. 

“I’ve got her, Robin. “I need you to let go so I can take care of both of you.” The wind caught my words, and with all the other noise, I’m not sure if he heard me, or if he felt that I was there in other ways.

What mattered is that he listened, and turned his head to look at me as he lifted the girl the last few inches I needed.

The instant she was in my arms, I strapped her into the extra harness I’d brought. I hooked her in to be sure she wouldn’t go anywhere, and shouted that she was safe into her ear.

Once she was safely attached, I looked down at Robin, just in time to see his eyes roll back in his head, and his body go slack.

I used my own weight to swing forward, and reached down. For one sickening lurch of a moment, I thought it wouldn’t be enough, but then I snagged one arm, and shifted so I had one arm solidly around his torso. It wasn’t comfortable and I likely wrenched his arm, but it worked.

It took me a second to remember to breathe as I activated the mechanism to raise all three of us back up to the plane

My hands wanted to shake as we ascended, but I kept them steady. Failure now was not an option.

I delivered the girl to the closest rescue team on the ground, and vanished even more quickly than usual, almost desperate to get back to Robin.

All evidence to the contrary, it seemed luck had been with us that night. Robin’s injuries were minor – for the most part. He’d gotten knocked around pretty good and had numerous cuts and scratches, including a longer one down his left calf that would need stitches. But, he’d already started to wake up by the time I bent over him to double check that I could afford to take the time to get him home before I started to patch him up.

“Easy, Robin. Your little unscheduled swim left quite a few souvenirs but you’re okay. You’re back on the plane with me,” I told him, as I brushed my bare hand down his neck, and then his arm. He was still suited up so that was the best I could do.

Robin grimaced, and then spoke, his voice was raw enough to make me want to wince in sympathy. 

“Trust me, if I had any say in it, I would have stayed on dry land.”

“One would hope,” I told him. It took more work than it should have to keep my voice carefully neutral. With the immediate danger past, my brain kept showing me flashes of the last time he’d ended up dumped into water with no warning. I know he disputed my actions at the time, but I’d let Zucco go all over again if it saved him. It was never even a question.

The real surprise was that I actually found the courage to admit how hard I’d try to spare him more pain. Little had changed in that regard, really. It was never a comfortable conflict, the battle between the part of me that wanted nothing more than to see him safe and the part of me who welcomed his companionship as we both worked to protect the city we loved. He’d earned the right to suit up as Robin, and he’d kept on earning it as the years went by – met each challenge and expectation in training head on. Despite the fact that I didn’t comment on it, he often surpassed even my expectations. I knew Robin – and Dick – well enough to know that he likely would have followed a similar path without my help. I told myself over and over that at least with my training and guidance he had a better shot at surviving the battles involved in our mission unscathed. At times like these I wondered if perhaps I was telling myself what I wanted to hear more than anything.

In all the ways that counted, I brought Robin in to this world - it was my question that started him on the journey that created Robin. Tonight had rather vividly shown me one possible conclusion to that journey. Whatever the reason, this brush with death had hit me harder and faster. I could blink and all of this could be gone; he could be gone. I just couldn’t decide if that made me want to hold him closer or push him away for his own sake.

I’ll always regret the circumstances that brought Dick into my life, but I’m grateful we were given the chance to become friends and everything that came after that. I certainly don’t regret that our relationship has evolved. The fact that he wants me the way he does, enjoys the physical aspects of our relationship so much is a source of wonderment to me. But it’s possible that I’m letting how very much I want all of that to influence my choices in ways that I haven’t foreseen. And the edges of that possibility were sharper than they should have been, cut into me in ways that were already uncomfortable and edging toward painful. 

I wanted Dick as my partner in every possible way for as long as he’d have me. I hadn’t realized my priorities had shifted so drastically, but there was no denying the facts. Whatever feelings I’d had for him before, they paled in comparison to what I felt for him now. I’d put Robin before the mission - before an innocent child - without even having to consider it. In the life we lead, those kinds of choices are a fact of life. I wanted Dick as my partner in every possible way for as long as he’d have me, but how could I choose to keep him at the expense of my ability function as Batman? 

No, I realized, as I went cold all over and fought not to shake, that was wrong. As I turned and looked at Dick’s pale, mud streaked face, my stomach twisted with the guilt at what I’d almost let happen. The real question was did I want to continue as Batman if the cost was my relationship with Dick, my ability to continue to fight with Robin at my side?

I watched dawn lighten the sky, ordered the plane take us home and for the first time since I was a boy myself, I couldn’t find the answer to that question deep down inside myself.

***

The only thing worse than fighting with someone is not fighting with them at all. Don’t believe me? Wait until you know something is wrong with your…well whatever they are and then try to talk about it and have them suddenly find something else to do or change the subject. Then, repeat that bit until the frustration and worry tangle up inside you and make you want to scream. Then, lose your cool and say something mean, designed to get a reaction, and have the person shut you out completely. Then, you’ll understand why not fighting is worse.

In the two days since my unscheduled swim, I’d seen Bruce and Batman. But, that’s about all I could say. I’d seen them both, but neither one had really been there. It was like all the walls I thought I’d made it past had slammed back up. I know the night had been stressful, but I was pretty much fine. The worst cut had needed a few stitches and the rest was bumps and bruises, mostly. A sprain: left ankle, and a few bone bruises: right ribs and hip. And I’d swallowed enough of the sludge to have a sore throat for a night. 

It wasn’t anything overt that Bruce had done since that bothered me. He was still there; we went about our usual routines, but it was as if he did them on auto-pilot.

He touched me, he made sure of it, but there was no read off of him when he did it; the best I can compare it to is white noise, and that’s not exactly illuminating. We hadn’t had sex since that same night. Bruce claimed it was because I needed to recover; I knew him well enough to know that was true, but definitely not the whole truth.

One version of my inner monologue said that he had finally realized just how inexperienced I was and how many better offers he was going to get and was trying to find a way to let me down gently. The other version said he had talked himself out of being with me because he couldn’t risk being emotionally entangled with anyone but especially not someone too young to be worth building a relationship with.

In an effort to shut both versions up, I completed the last of my post mission report about an entirely mundane patrol and then left the ‘Cave in search of somewhere to think.

Since my very early days at the Manor, the fourth floor balcony on the East wing had been a favourite spot of mine. I’m pretty sure it gave Alfred palpitations the first time he caught me up there, not that you would have been able to tell by looking at him. I discovered it just after I came to live with Bruce and it’s been my preferred place to do my serious thinking since back in those days. I always feel too closed in when I’m in my room. I need to be high up - high enough that I know I could fly if I need to, I guess. This long, narrow balcony was the highest point of the manor that you could access without a grappling hook and line. 

I could have climbed up the overhang that was just above the balcony, but I didn’t have the energy and I was pretty damn sure my ribs wouldn’t appreciate it. Besides, I couldn’t seem to shake the queasy feeling I got in my stomach whenever I thought about how cold Bruce had been earlier. He’s always needed his space to process, but this seemed like so much more than that, like he’d withdrawn nearly completely and for all of my abilities, I no idea what to do about it.

Bruce is so stubborn the fury of nature herself wouldn’t change his mind once it’s set. Whatever the reason he’d withdrawn, the longer it went on too long, I couldn’t help being more terrified it would stick. The man’s too noble for my own good at the best of times.

Life might have been easier if we’d stayed friends. But, we hadn’t and I wasn’t willing to have to go back to just that from him without a fight. Now that I knew how we could be together, my brain and my body had up and decided I needed him, and I didn’t get much of a vote. I’d always known if he rejected me, it would gut me from the inside out, but this horrible aching shakiness just wasn’t what I expected.

Even worse than the sick, shaky weakness and the slick fear underneath it, was the fact that none of that stopped the want. I craved the touch of his skin against mine, and the rush of feeling that I knew would come with it with a desperation that made me uncomfortable. I felt like a junkie who needed their fix, but damned if I would tell him that. I didn’t even really want to admit it to myself. I shoved it deep down into a mental box with a lock on it and worked very hard at ignoring it. The fact that it didn’t work very well was my business. I’d jump into another rushing river before I went begging to Bruce for what he clearly didn’t want to give me.

Perched on the balcony railing, I tipped my head up to look at the stars. The vastness of them always made me feel a bit better somehow. Today they were cold and distant, just like someone else I know.

I felt the concern before I heard Alfred’s footsteps and for one wild, hopeful instant, I thought maybe it was Bruce, but of course it wasn’t. The comfortable solidity of Alfred’s emotional presence was so familiar; I could feel it even with my usual barriers in place. A moment after that, the man himself stepped through the door, a mug that steamed in one hand and my coat in the other. 

“If you’re going to be out in the cold, Master Dick, perhaps you ought to put on your coat and drink this hot chocolate before you turn into a lovely new ice sculpture for the balcony you’ve claimed as your own.” 

I shrugged into the coat and then accepted the mug with a small smile. 

“Thanks, Alfred.” My voice didn’t shake, but it was a close thing.

“You’re quite welcome.” He paused and then cleared his throat before he spoke again. “Far be it for me to intrude on your privacy, Master Dick, but if I could be so bold as to inquire, did you and Master Bruce have a fight?”

I shook my head. “I almost wish we had. Then maybe he would be angry instead of so damn distant, he might as well be in another zip code.”

Alfred looked at me with eyes that suddenly looked every year of his age, and set his hand on my arm. As soon as he touched me, his concern for both of us swept through me like a warm wave. But that concern was followed closely by sadness and irritation in almost equal measure. 

Great, so it was just Bruce I couldn’t read right now. That just figured.

“I read the report about what happened during the rescue mission,” Alfred said, his voice quiet. 

We stood in silence, both looking out into the dark for a few moments before he spoke again. 

“But for the grace of god, or fate or whatever you choose to call it, things could have been much worse. This is the first time you’ve been injured since you and Bruce found each other. He’s never handled it well when you’re injured, no matter how minor the outcome,” Alfred explained.

I turned my head to look at him too quickly. 

Alfred raised an eyebrow at my uncouth behaviour, but said nothing, clearly waiting for me to speak.

It was so hard to get the words out past the hot lump in my throat.

“It never seemed that way from where I’m standing.”

“Of course not. He thought he had to be strong for you, to set a good example, among other considerations,” Alfred contradicted.

I wanted to curse at great length, but I paused to take a breath instead.

“Alright, I can see how that might mess with his head. But he’s acting like he made a huge mistake, letting me in at all. He can barely look at me, he doesn’t want me around.”

“My dear boy, sometimes what we want and what we need are vastly different things,” Alfred told me, in the tone he always used when I wasn’t as fast on the uptake as I should have been.

“You didn’t decide you wanted a relationship with him because you thought it would always be easy. Master Bruce has never been an easy person to love, perhaps because he doesn’t believe he deserves it. But I can assure you, it has always been worth it.”

Alfred hadn’t touched me other than to smooth down the line of my coat a few seconds ago, but I could still feel the love and affection he had for both of us. It was mixed with a healthy dose of frustration, but I couldn’t exactly blame him for that. The impression was fragmented and muted but definitely there. Blake had warned me I hadn’t seen the full spectrum of my abilities yet. And she also said the more you cared for someone the more you ended up reading off them. All things being equal, I still wasn’t sure I wanted to pick up emotions without touching someone, but that was a problem for a different night.

“Alright, I see your point, Alfred. But I can’t force him to let me in.”

Alfred’s serious expression lightened and he smiled at me. “Actually, I think you’re probably the only one who can.”

“How exactly would you suggest I do that?”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something. I have complete faith in you, my boy.”

Touching but it didn’t really boost my confidence. 

“You’re a lot of help,” I muttered as he turned to go.

He waited until he was nearly down the stairs before he answered. “You have no idea, my dear boy.”

***

I followed Alfred back into the Manor after another few minutes to consider my choices – the ones I needed to make right now and the ones that got me here.

It all boiled down to the fact that I wasn’t going down without a fight. Not with someone who mattered as much as Bruce did. Of course, how much he mattered was currently in direct correlation with how much I wanted to smack him upside his stupid head, but I wasn’t dumb enough to try it.

The nearest house terminal told me Bruce was in the training centre in the ‘Cave. That figured, because the home gym didn’t come with sparring bots to beat the hell out of. Couldn’t have the guests seeing that the playboy could knock them on their ass without breaking a sweat.

Now that I had a plan, my nerves settled enough to allow my temper to bleed through, but I set that aside, too. Anger would only cloud my thinking and I had a feeling I would need all my wits about me for this.

Score one for me, Bruce was indeed beating the hell out of a new sparring bot when I arrived. This one was designed to look almost human, which I always thought was a bit creepy. I almost felt sorry for it, as I leaned against the nearby free weight rack to watch fight.

Bruce knew I was there. You don’t walk in to a room without him knowing it. But, he didn’t acknowledge me. I rated less attention than the bot, which was a little hard to take.

“So, how long do you plan on playing this fun ‘Dick is invisible’ game?” 

Maybe I hadn’t evaded my temper quite as well as I thought.

“What exactly do you think we need to talk about?” Bruce asked, his voice laced with a distinct chill.

“Well, I was going to ask what exactly has you so bothered, but why don’t we try being a bit more honest. Why exactly are you being such an ass?”

That got me a raised eyebrow and if anything, Bruce’s face went even more blank. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh please. I could get more read off a brick wall, right now.”

“You’re not touching me.”

“Well, gee, thanks for mentioning that,” I replied, with as much sarcasm as I could muster. “I wonder why that could be?” I held up a hand before he could answer. 

“Don’t bother. Not the point and you know it.”

Bruce turned away, but the tense set of his shoulders told me I’d scored a point. After a moment, he touched a button on the band at his wrist and the bot came to a standstill. 

Fine, if I had to talk to his back, at least he would still hear me. “Bruce. Please, let me help.” Slowly, I paced forward, but stopped short of touching him. “You’ve been freezing me out for days. Please, let me in. I can’t help you if you won’t even talk to me.

“It’s not a question of letting you in,” Bruce finally answered, clearly reluctant. “This is just something I need to handle myself. It’s not something you should have to deal with.”

“There you go again, making my choices for me. I thought we established already, I’m more than old enough to make my own decisions.”

I tried, I really did, but temper made the blood pound in my ears and raised my voice when I continued. “The whole point of this - whatever this is between us now - is that neither of us has to be alone, or did you only want to be together when it’s convenient and easy?”

“There’s nothing easy about us being together,” Bruce contradicted, no longer calm, but so cold in his anger I almost wished he was. 

My breath caught against the sharp stab of pain that went through my heart when he said that, but I didn’t reply. I didn’t want to interrupt him.

“It makes everything that much more complicated, that much harder to decide.” Bruce stopped, his voice cut off so abruptly, I knew he’d been about to say something he didn’t want me to hear.

In that instant, I was certain I’d missed something. It had to be from the night of my unscheduled swim. That’s when the walls went back up. I let my eyes slide closed and went through my memory enhancement exercises, smooth and easy as breathing. This I could do. This I was good at. Everything played back behind my eyes, but in the end it wasn’t the memory that gave me the answer, it was the fact that I knew Bruce far better than he thought I did. 

“You went for me, before you went looking for the girl.” It wasn’t a question, couldn’t be when the man in front of me was the one who trained me to trust my intuition for years.

Bruce went so still, he may as well have been part of the ‘Cave itself. For just an instant a wave of guilt, confusion and uncertainty rolled over me, caught me and tried to shove me under, before it cut off entirely.

“I had no way to know where she was and almost no visibility,” Bruce bit out, each word launched like an attack.

My stomach lurched like it did in free fall, and I couldn’t hold back a small exhalation. But, my voice was steady. I couldn’t fault him for doing the same thing I would do.

“You made a reasonable choice,” I pointed out, but even as I said it, I knew it was the wrong way to go. I took a deep breath and tried again.

“I know what we do is dangerous. I’ve known that since I was nine years old. I know you don’t think I really understood it until later, but you’re wrong. I’ve always known I could be hurt or killed. But I figured the risks were worth it, to do what we do. And, if you’re waiting for me to tell you that you made the wrong call, you can keep waiting. I mean, I would have been sad if something happened to her, but I’m glad I’m still here. And she’s fine.”

“But what about the next time?” he asked. 

Bruce’s calm facade had cracks and true anguish showed through, battered at my mental barriers, despite the fact I could also feel echoes of how hard he tried not to let me read him.

In that moment, I wanted more than anything to reach out and put my hand on him, and deal with the ensuing onslaught. Anything had to be better than standing here watching him struggle not to come apart. 

But I’d already jumped once. If he really didn’t want me, then I had to respect his choice. If he couldn’t see me as someone who could be there for him no matter what, nothing I could do would change that. This time, I needed Bruce to move first.

But he didn’t. Still motionless, he might as well have been on the other side of a canyon, he was so far away.

Somehow, I found the strength to hold back my reaction, as I shifted my weight to leave. 

“Is the problem that your feelings complicated a mission, or the fact that you have those feelings in the first place? I thought we already got past this revelation, but maybe I’m wrong. Are you more upset she almost died, or you couldn’t put aside your feelings? Because that’s what being with someone is, Bruce - it’s letting yourself feel all of the things you feel for them, even when it’s messy and awkward or if it hurts like hell.”

It was a nice bold declaration, but by the end of it, my voice had gone ragged. Bruce turned and looked at me, but said nothing, only stood there and looked at me, his eyes gone shuttered and dark. It was an answer, of a sort, even if it wasn’t the one I wanted.

When he finally did speak, the words came out like he wanted to scream but wouldn’t let himself. “Don’t you see? You could have died.”

I nodded in agreement. “Yes. And so could you, every single night we go out. And I’ve known that for years too. Knowing it doesn’t change things for me now. I’ve already decided what we can have is worth living with that risk.” 

Tears burned in the back of my throat, but I beat them back. Score one for my control. Bruce liked his isolation; he thought it protected him. There was no point in crying if he’d decided that was still true, no matter how good we could be. Tears wouldn’t change his mind. I closed my eyes tightly for a moment, and grabbed on to more control until my mental walls were as thick as I could make them. I didn’t want know if I could accidentally project at him because I was upset. I couldn’t very well yell at him for making my choices and then lean on him while he attempted his own.

“You take risks for your work all the time. We both know that. I guess now you have to decide if you can take another one for your personal life.” I very carefully didn’t add for me.

Then, I turned and walked away. 

Bruce didn’t ask me to come back.

I didn’t really expect that he would, and I ignored the part that wanted him to. 

I can be stubborn too.

***

Robin didn’t say a single extraneous word to me on patrol.

Dick slept in his own room that night. 

I almost gave in and went to see him, to talk to him a half dozen times, but I didn’t.

A full day passed with us only saying a handful of sentences to each other. When I saw him briefly at breakfast, I almost broke and asked him to talk to me. He looked like he hadn’t slept, and his skin was too pale for my liking. 

By the time I could come up with something halfway coherent to say, he’d snagged an apple from the table and disappeared out the door. For a moment, I wrestled with the urge to run after him. 

Then, I controlled myself and ate my omelette.

I had work to do at the office until after lunch. Just after my last meeting, Alfred called me to tell me that Batgirl would fill in for Robin on patrol that night.

I acknowledged the message and hung up before he could say another word. I wanted to be angry, but I didn’t have the energy. And still, my mind turned the problem over and over as I made my way home.

Just because I could accept Dick was right about some of what he said didn’t mean I was entirely wrong either. I didn’t think he would appreciate the distinction. Despite all my efforts at control, my hands shook as I reached up to rub my temples. No matter what plenty of my previous partners had to say about it, I didn’t particularly enjoy confrontations. I’d had enough of them with him in the last few months to last me several lifetimes. And, I was too angry with myself to be interested in fighting with him.

Dick thought he could understand my perspective because I took risks, too. He didn’t understand that he was the first person to make me disregard my own long held rules about personal relationships. He was the first person to actually make me believe it was possible to be myself and still have a real relationship – one where I didn’t have to be something I wasn’t or hide something I was.

Dinner was long over and I headed up to bed. I wanted to relax and rest but I couldn’t find the discipline to quiet my mind.

I’d seen people I cared about in danger before: Selina, Jim, Alfred, even Dick himself. But this was different, because now that I’d been with him, I couldn’t conceptualize my life without him. For all the blood I already had on my hands, I wasn’t sure I could survive it if his ended up there too. 

But if I couldn’t even do the job well enough to keep him safe, I wasn’t sure that continuing to do it was the best idea. I’ve considered quitting before. Despite what my friends and even my enemies think, I’m as human as the next person. I have my days where it hurts to move, when I want to just roll over and sleep the day away, or when I’m too sick to even breathe properly. I’ve had more than my share of failures, some worse than others. The worst of them were so bad, I can’t think about them for more than seconds at a time. Until now, I’d always eventually decided my successes outweighed my failures, but in this moment, I wasn’t so sure of that. I wasn’t so sure of much of anything.

Then again, I’d taught Dick everything he knew about crime fighting. Even if I decided to walk away, there was no guarantee he would do the same. In fact, there was every reason to believe he wouldn’t. In his own way, he was as committed to our cause as I was. 

Besides, like it or not, Gotham depended on Batman, and Robin. I taught them they could. If I abandoned the Bat now, every death that followed would be on me. And the only thing that would be worse than living with myself if I walked away was living with myself if I walked away and he died. But, if I stayed, that could still happen and I would have to watch. Caught between the ultimate rock and a hard place, I couldn’t find a way out, no matter how many times I turned it around in my mind. 

It had been so long, more years then I ever intended to devote to vengeance, to the darkness and the blood and everything in between. Hidden way down deep, part of me whispered that even I deserved some kind of life, a chance to see what I could build out in the everyday world, doing everyday things. That same part of me is the only part that can admit the truth: I’m tired – tired of the same superstitious and cowardly criminals. Believe me, if you’ve seen one megalomaniac, you’ve seen them all. And if you’ve seen them all, well, then you’ve earned the right to be tired.

No matter how tired that part of me might be, I tossed and turned for another few hours before I gave up. 

I didn’t bother with my robe, but I scrounged around for a pair of slippers before I went down to the kitchen to see if Alfred was still awake. If I got really lucky, he might even be baking. Though he most often went to sleep once we were home from patrol, he’d always been something of an insomniac. He claimed coming up with delicious treats helped him to wind down. Far be it from me to argue with someone who can make a peach cobbler that once came close to making me cry.

Luck wasn’t with me tonight. The kitchen was silent and dark, though spotless. There was no sign of the pot roast on offer earlier. I debated a sandwich, but that seemed like entirely too much effort. Besides, mine never tasted as good as Alfred’s anyway.

I let myself sigh, since there was no one to hear it, and let my feet take me to the nearest ‘Cave entrance. As I made my way out of the tunnel, I shook my head. Maybe I was kidding myself to think I could give up the Bat. It was so much a part of me; it had become my refuge when I had no idea what to do next. All things being equal, I doubted very much that said good things about the state of my psyche.

I resisted the urge to sigh as I made my way to the capsule that would drop me down the requisite floors. It opened on to a short tunnel and I made my way into the “Cave proper, still lost in my own thoughts. As I got closer, I saw the lights over the main computer area were on, and when I rounded the last corner my heart gave a traitorous leap. But the hope died a moment later when I saw Alfred, standing at the holo-table studying designs of some sort. 

“Working at this hour?” I asked, as I moved up to join him.

Faster than most would have given him credit for, Alfred adjusted the controls and the images vanished, I’d already seen enough. 

It was the schematics for a suit I didn’t recognize, with Dick listed as the designer.

“What the hell was that?”

I wouldn’t raise my voice in a demand I really had no right to make, but it was still overly loud.

Alfred turned, deliberately slow, and I could see him consider several answers.

“I really don’t think it’s my place to say, Master Bruce.” 

It’s a little known fact that there is a direct correlation between how angry Alfred is, and how formal he gets.

“You can’t show me something like that, and expect me not to have questions.”

“In point of fact, I didn’t show it to you. If you want answers about it, you need to ask the correct person. I was merely asked to provide feedback and thought you had already gone to sleep.”

My teeth wanted to grind together and I think I could actually feel my blood pressure rise.

“Please, Alfred. I need to know. What did he tell you, when he asked you for feedback, at least.”

His expression didn’t change but his tone softened. “I can only say that he wanted to be the one to tell you. And I suspect I need to remind you that if you cannot find room for him in your heart, and give him what he needs, perhaps you ought to let him go.”

Ice marched up my spine. I shook my head, and focused on my own breathing. “He won’t leave.”

Alfred laid a hand on my arm and waited until I looked over at him. “Until recently, I would agree. But you seem determined to shut him out. Are you so certain he would stay if he thinks you want him to go?”

He cleared his throat, I thought he would leave, but instead, he pinned me with another look, one that reminded me he knew me better than anyone else alive.

“I told myself I would keep out of it, whatever the issue might be. But, as I see it, you’re not conflicted because this is a difficult thing Dick has asked of you. You’re having difficulties because you’re afraid. It’s understandable, but as you so often tell remind me; fear lies.”

With that, Alfred patted my arm once, in a show of support, then turned and walked away.

I threw myself into training for the rest of the night. It was the only way I could ignore the fact that I was almost certain he was right.

My certainty didn’t magically give me any answers, but I’d gone over things in my head long enough. Once dawn had come and gone, I toggled the house terminal to locate Dick, then sat down hard when the screen informed me he wasn’t in residence.

When I tracked Alfred down, he reluctantly informed me that Dick had asked him for something to do to keep himself busy and clear his head. 

“I suggested perhaps he might like to visit the Wayne estate in Malibu. If you’ll forgive my saying so, the poor young man looked positively awful. I thought some sunshine and fresh air might help him feel better.”

Before I thought about it, my jaw gaped. When I tried to speak, I actually sputtered and had to take a breath.

“You thought him being thousands of miles away would help him feel better?” I sounded as stunned as I felt, which was an indication of how out of control I was but in that moment I didn’t care. 

“Staff at the estate need minimal oversight. He’ll have a meeting with them, and then have plenty of chances for some rest and relaxation.” 

Alfred seemed brightened by the prospect, even if it wasn’t for himself. “He said he needed a chance to clear his head. I’m sure he’ll be home before you know it.”

I almost believed him.

Dick didn’t call. He sent exactly one email that was short and to the point. He assured me he’d worked out the substitution schedule with Batgirl and only planned to be gone a day or two. Normally that would have been the relevant point, and I would have been annoyed, besides.

Now, though, I could only re-read the last sentences. 

Don’t worry. I’m coming back.

It made me feel better until I realized he only said he would come back, not that he would stay.

***

I learned two things the night I slept in my own room for the first time in a while. The first was that my mattress was infinitely inferior to the one in the master suite. The second was that is it possible to miss someone nearly to the point of physical pain.

It would have been easy to blame how hard it was to sleep alone on my abilities. But, it was more than that. I wanted Bruce to let me in, to see the same possibilities in our future that I did. I also wanted to respect his need for space, and I wasn’t sure I could do that if I had to keep sharing space with him while he might as well have been miles away. But most of all, I wanted him to hold me close and kiss me until I couldn’t think. 

It took hours to fall asleep, and when I did it wasn’t restful, my dreams filled with an array of mismatched images and snatches of arguments that didn’t make any sense.

In theory, now that I had better control over my abilities, they shouldn’t have been able to make me sick. The next morning, I knew my body hadn’t gotten the memo. The pull roared through my mind like a mental avalanche that caught me up and flung me along. I ran through my exercise designed to deal with it, but it only receded a very little bit.

With no one to see me, I curled on the bed in the fetal position, my skin clammy and my head pounding like someone was taking a sledgehammer to my temples. Rather than give in and seek out Bruce, I texted Barb, and asked her to come over once I had a chance to clean up. 

Sheer force of will, some aspirin and some coffee had me back in control but only barely. I grabbed fruit and cheese from the kitchen, and then went back to my room to wait for her to arrive.

She took one look at me, and came over to the now neatly made bed, laid down beside me and gave me a look she reserved for when I was particularly dense.

“Shirt off.” It wasn’t a request and I wasn’t stupid enough to argue. She was only in a skinny strapped tank top and when she hugged me, the contact made everything back off so I could think. Or, it did right up until her concern rose up and broke over me in a great swamping wave.

I gritted my teeth and concentrated on putting more energy into my barriers, but they didn’t want to respond, thick taffy that had no desire to shape the way I wanted. Apparently, today my brain wanted to torture me no matter what I did.

By the time I could pull myself together so we could talk, Barb agreed I needed to practice my controls more, and also came down solidly on my side when I tentatively told her about my plan to get away for a bit while I did.

As usual, things didn’t come together until I talked to Alfred. After that, it felt like only minutes and I was at the airport. Since I planned to take one of the Wayne Enterprises planes, it was a simplified check in, and we were underway before I had a chance to second guess myself.

The thing is, I told myself it was self-care, and a chance to recharge but it still felt like running way. Even worse, when I arrived, I immediately wanted to turn around and go home. More time to think only solidified what I already knew. I was going to fight. I was going to fight really, really dirty if I had to, and Bruce was going to have the partner he deserved, whether he liked it or not.

Once the meeting I’d ostensibly come for was over, I treated myself to a long walk on the beach. I’ve always loved the ocean and even now with everything so messed up, it lifted my spirits enough that I could face the thought of making the trip home.

Bruce wouldn’t know what hit him, I decided, shoulders squared as I gazed out onto the water.

If things had gone according to plan, I should have been talking to him only three hours later, four tops, but the Fates had other plans.

First, it was mechanical issues. The pilot at the private airfield we used in the area was apologetic, but that didn’t fix things any faster. Then once we were finally good to go, the skies opened in a truly torrential downpour. When we were told it wouldn’t quit until late, I contemplated catching a commercial flight, but the emotional toll from the delays frayed my control until the pull rushed back at me. The hunger was even more bottomless than before, and this time there was no one around to help me push it back. If I was honest, it didn’t matter because the one person I really wanted wasn’t exactly available.

When I sent the email to Bruce to tell him I would be delayed by a day, it was all I could do not to let my words telegraph my increasing desperation. Instead of sleeping, I spent most of my night pacing and staring at the stars. I almost called Bruce, just to hear his voice, feel the relaxation that would come with knowing he would still talk to me. But then I realized I didn’t actually know if he would answer.

After what had to be at least a week, if you asked me, but was actually closer to a few more hours, I finally got word we could leave. As I climbed the steps onto the plane, I could feel the fever seep into my bones.

The flight was calm and uneventful – except for the part where I had to use every scrap of my self-control to keep it together, to stay outwardly calm and in my seat. I had no idea what was the matter with me, but the want was so strong, had somehow gotten so big, that I felt almost like I was drowning. Finally, in desperation, I reclined my seat, dimmed the lights and slid the Wayne Tech VR goggles on. It only took a second to select one of my favourite relaxation programs. And it helped but only a little. My clothes felt too tight and my skin was too hot. I wished I was wearing a hell of a lot less. But, I’m pretty sure someone would have objected if I started stripping.

One of the attendants came to check on me just as I finished my stint on the white sand beach.

“Excuse me, Mr. Grayson? Are you quite alright? My colleague said you looked unwell.”

“I’m fine, Lynda. Just a touch of a headache more than anything.” That was the king of understatements. All the noises of a normal flight felt too loud, and a headache was clawing its way into my temples. All these things were signs I’d let the hunger go on too long, but that made no sense. It had only been about forty hours, not even two full days. I’d definitely gone longer without any trouble.

But then again, Bruce and I hadn’t exactly been on the best of terms for a few days before I left. Still, no matter what was going on with me, I needed to calm down before I ended up making a scene. The absolute last thing I needed was someone suggesting I needed a doctor. There’s no way to explain my physical symptoms that wouldn’t end up being problematic in the tabloids if it got out. Those mags weren’t concerned with the truth, and even if they were, I’m pretty sure no one would believe them. Hell, I’d been living with my abilities my whole life, and some days even I thought it was ridiculous. 

Maybe that’s why it meant so much to me that Bruce believed me. If I was honest with myself, I was still expecting him to freak out, to decide I was making it up, or that I was some kind of genetic abnormality or something. It didn’t make logical sense; it just wasn’t who he was. The only people he ever judged were criminals who more than deserved it, but that didn’t mean my subconscious was willing to remember that.

And it didn’t help that there was still so much about my Iyndari side that I just didn’t know. I’ve always been good at winging it. You don’t work beside Batman very long if you can’t figure that out, but even with Blake’s help, I’d been making up a lot of this as I went along. It wasn’t exactly the kind of thing that inspired me to greater heights of confidence in myself.

But, even if my head felt like it was ready to burst, the last thing I needed was for her to have a medical team meet us on the tarmac. This was not a problem modern medicine was equipped for.

Lynda was too well trained to refute my claims, but she and her colleagues watched me closely until we landed. The extra scrutiny did not help my situation. By the time we were on the ground, I couldn’t stop shaking, and beneath the shaking was a weakness I really didn’t like. 

I’d told him not to bother, but I wasn’t surprised to see Alfred waiting for me when I cleared through to the Arrivals level. I could have cried I was so glad I didn’t have to worry about wading through the sea of humanity to get a cab. My craving for contact had a very specific focus and the thought of touching anyone else made my stomach clench and then turn over. 

“Welcome home, Master Dick.” Alfred reached for my carry-on bag and led the way to the waiting town car. “Are you alright?” His keen-eyed gaze made it clear he already knew the answer.

I shrugged. “I’ve been better,” I told him as I slid into the backseat and slumped against the door once I got it shut.

I must have zoned out, which felt like it should have worried me if I had the energy. The next thing I knew, we had pulled up to the main entrance and Alfred had brought the car to a halt. It took an enormous amount of effort to get myself out of the car, but once I moved, I only wanted one thing. 

 

I always missed Bruce when we had to be apart, but never like this. My whole body actually ached with how much I needed him. And it wasn’t sexual, or at least not entirely. Oh, I wanted him. Let’s be real, fighting or not, if I had a pulse, I wanted him. 

But right now, I wanted to wrap myself around him and never let go, make him promise to do the same and then crawl into bed and press every inch of myself against him. I wanted to inhale the scent of him that I would know in the dark, half conscious, and drink in the sight of him, practically glowing against the dark blue of his favourite ridiculously high thread count cotton sheets. More than that, I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of looking at him and seeing how much he wants me reflected in his eyes. He’s so controlled, even when we’re in bed, I know he doesn’t let me see everything, and I know he’s had too much training for my abilities to see everything. But I don’t care. I may not have all of him, but he wants me - at least for now. Knowing it, being able to see it, it touched something in me, some primal part that wanted so very much to mark him as mine, brand him in such a way that it could never be mistaken as anything other than proof of ownership.

And that was a dangerous train of thought to let myself get anywhere near. Not only would Bruce not thank me for it, but it was not okay to want to own people. There were even laws against that now, and for good reason. At least part of that impulse came from my own insecurity; it’s hard knowing that you completely belong to someone, that they have you completely at their mercy, but that it’s not reciprocal. There is nothing more important in this world to me than Bruce. I’d walk through fire if he asked me to, actually, come to think of it, I have. I would do literally anything for him, any time of the day or night. I don’t really know when his happiness became so integral to my own, but I know it’s true, anyway. 

But, I also know that Bruce probably wouldn’t say the same, especially not now.

Too bad for me the one person I desperately wanted was the one person I couldn’t have right now.

“Is he home?”

Alfred looked at me with concern, and nodded. “In his office, I believe.”

Okay, all I had to do was avoid his office, make it safely to my room and figure out some way to deal with this on my own. Piece of cake.

Alfred reached over and put his hand on my arm. His concern felt like a spike driven through my temples and it took effort not to groan.

“I’ll be okay,” I told him. “I just need to rest. I’ll deal with this on my own,” I added pointedly.

“Are you sure that’s wise?”

I would have laughed, but I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t slide from laughter into hysteria. “I’m not sure of much of anything right now, but I know when I’m not wanted. I’ve been dealing with it this long; I’ll figure it out.”

Each movement felt too heavy, like I was walking through water, but I made it up the front steps and into the foyer. I even managed to say the right things to Alfred before he went on his way to complete whatever was next on his to do list. Sheer, stubborn determination got me the rest of the way to my room, but I slumped against the door frame and couldn’t catch my breath. It took everything in me not to turn around and cover the distance to his office. 

Who was I kidding? I’d never make it that far; I wasn’t even sure I would make it to my bed.

I had to stay close to the wall because I wasn’t sure about my ability to stay upright, but I made it, barely. With an exaggerated attention to details, I sat on the edge of the bed and leaned down to undo my shoes.

“What the hell happened to you?” Bruce’s voice was an odd mix of concerned and angry.

“Damn it, Alfred,” I muttered, too tired to feel as betrayed as I should.

“He didn’t tell me you were here,” Bruce contradicted. “I set the systems to alert me when you came home.” There was a pause where all I could hear was my own pulse. Then, he spoke again.

“I missed you.” 

Only three words, but they were so unexpected, I actually felt tears burn at the back of my throat. I wrapped my arms around my waist and shook my head hard enough to make the headache ratchet up.

“I can’t do this right now. I don’t have the energy to not fight with you. I already know how well you can shut me out. And, I gotta say if you’re here for some fun other option, I’ll pass.” Sarcasm is familiar and comfortable, like a favourite sweater, but in this case, it fell flat, because even I could hear the desperation underneath it.

Still, it was safer than letting myself believe what he told me.

The longer he stood there, the faster the last vestiges of my control eroded.

Then, I made a tactical error. I turned and looked at him.

For the first time in days, his expression wasn’t blank and closed off. Instead, he only looked worried and sad. “I don’t want to fight with you either,” he agreed. 

Slowly, like he thought I would bolt if he got too close, Bruce came over to the bed.

I had no idea what I expected, but it wasn’t for him to sink to his knees in the plush carpet. He reached out, like he wanted to put his hands on me, but stopped.

In that moment, most of me didn’t care about what had happened, didn’t even want to think about the distance and the cold near silence of the last little while. I wanted his hands on me so badly, I had to lock my jaw to keep from begging. I had some pride, or at least, I was pretty sure I did.

“You have every right to be angry with me,” Bruce admitted, his voice quiet, tentative in a way I’d never seen from him before. “I was afraid, and I took it out on you. Not only was that selfish, it was stupid, and I’m sorry.”

For just a split second, it crossed my mind I must be asleep or hallucinating. But no, he’d actually apologized. Happiness wanted to bubble up through my shock, but my more cynical side won out.

“Do you still want to do this? Be with me, I mean.”

“Absolutely. I never stopped wanting to be with you.” It felt like there was more he wanted to say, but instead, he reached out and ran a finger down my cheek.

I leaned into the touch, but couldn’t stop the quiet sound of distress I made in the back of my throat. The last thing I wanted was for my lack of control to complicate things right now. We needed to talk, have a real conversation about our relationship. But right then, there were so many things I wanted more than simple conversation.

The instant he touched me, I could feel how worried he was, and how sincerely he’d meant what he said. It took a few extra seconds before I realized that meant he wasn’t actively blocking me anymore.

“You’re shaking,” Bruce told me.

I nodded, unable to find words to explain how I felt caught between what I thought I should do and the want that felt so impossibly huge in that moment.

But my body knew better than I did, and shifted forward. To hell with logic and conversation. We could do that later, once I could think again. 

Bruce smiled at me, just a little, and then I closed my eyes and kissed him.

I thought it would help, but that only made the want surge up higher. I made another helpless sound at the back of my throat and broke away to try and catch my breath.

Bruce shook his head once, then shifted to settle us both on the bed. I felt him take a much closer look, and watched realization dawn in his eyes.

“You waited too long to deal with it.” 

I nodded, slow and careful, like maybe I could keep it together if I kept my focus on small things. 

But, then Bruce reached over, fisted his other hand in my shirt and yanked me closer. I ended up sprawled on him, and that was better, even with layers between us.

“Why didn’t you call me? We could have made arrangements to get you home sooner.”

“You know why,” I told him, unable to keep the bitterness out of my tone.

He nodded, and flicked his eyes to mine in a way that telegraphed his agreement.

“Well, you’re here now. Why don’t you let me help you with that?” he murmured, close enough to my ear to raise goosebumps on my skin. 

 

There was an answer to that I’m sure, but then the hunger pressed in again, and I couldn’t find words. I leaned down for another kiss, and hoped the contact would take the edge off of the worst of whatever the hell was wrong with me. 

If anything I got warmer, and shakier. “Gods, this is insane. It’s like I’ve never dealt with this before,” I told him, my forehead rested against his.

Ridiculous how my voice suddenly shook, but I hated feeling like the need was running the show – was so much more than it had been before. And later, later I would care about all of that, but right now, all I could think about was both of us with a lot less clothes.

“It’s okay,” Bruce assured me. “I’ve got you.”

Just the sound of his voice made even more heat wash through me. “I had it under control.” That was important, or it should have been.

“Oh yes, I can see that.” His tone went from worried to amused, as I leaned to kiss his neck.

He must have showered recently, because his skin tasted clean and fresh, with a hint of the lemongrass in his current soap. The taste of him helped dull the roar of the hunger in my mind, but it wasn’t enough. I tracked my way up his chest, feeling the muscles beneath my mouth twitch at the contact, then higher, up the softer skin of his neck, pausing to nip gently at the hollow of his throat, then again not so gently at the surge of want the sting of the bite provoked.

“You’re not helping my self-control,” I told him, hearing the whine of need beneath the embarrassment I couldn’t hide.

“I’m not trying to,” he assured me. “I want to see you lose control. I think I’m going to like it.”

Heat swept through me and I didn’t even try to grab on to the tatters of what was left of my control. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

For answer he shifted like he would kiss me, then bit my bottom lip hard, and soothed the bite with his tongue.

I moaned again, and tangled my hands in his hair so I could pull, hard. That got me another flare of lust, and no protest. So that’s the way it was, at least for now. I could so work with that.

“Do you like this shirt?” I ran my hand down the white tailored lines.

“Not particularly.”

“Good,” I breathed, just before I yanked hard enough to rip it open, so I could set my hands on his chest. The warmth of his skin felt amazing against my hands, but his pleasure at our current situation was better. 

“Oh, is that how it’s going to be?” Bruce asked, and tapped a finger against the shoulder of my jacket. “Off, then.”

My hands shook as I shrugged out of the jacket, and tugged my T-shirt off without being told. “Put your hands on me, damn it. I need your hands on me.” Too close to begging, but I didn’t care. Pride doesn’t stand a chance next to this kind of want.

“What if I said no?” Bruce breathed, as he kissed the hollow behind my ear.

The noise I made was too close to a whimper for comfort, but I suppose it was as good an answer as anything.

I felt his smile, even though I couldn’t see it. 

Bastard. 

Then his hands swept up and down my back, his touch sure and firm and so, so good. 

My head fell back a bit, and Bruce took advantage to kiss and lick down my neck, and across my chest. All fairly minor stuff, but I felt like I was vibrating with how much more I wanted, like if I wasn’t careful, I would fly apart.

My hands were clumsy as I pulled back to take off the rest of my clothes, but then Bruce would have done the same, I grabbed his wrists and shook my head no. 

I thought he would argue, but he didn’t. He didn’t even say anything, just went very still, though his gaze was hot against my skin and his eyes were dark, the way they got when he was caught up in his own want.

I wanted to undress him slowly, take the time to tease us both, but that wasn’t in the cards, not now. I settled for pressing kisses to each bit of revealed skin, followed up with bites when I couldn’t help myself. So far, I’d tried not to mark him, like it wasn’t something I quite had the right to do, but he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, each new bite brought a flare of need that sparked against my own. After only the first few he was panting, another three: hip, left inner thigh and right inner thigh, he gave a choked off moan.

I looked up, saw his hands fisted in the sheets, even though otherwise he was still and quiet. Some darker part of me was viciously satisfied with the marks, and I knew there would be more before we were done. 

For now though, for now I had something else in mind. I repositioned his leg so there was more space for me and crawled up slowly, so he would feel the heat of my breath on all the most sensitive of places. He trembled all over for a moment, then I heard him take a deep breath and his body stilled again.

I drew back so I could look at him again, not sure if I thought he would object or just liked the picture he made, then slowly I licked my way from his hip over to his groin so I could take him in my mouth.

I usually had to think about technique, amount of pressure, speed that kind of thing. Right then, none of that mattered. I just needed more of him, the taste of him, the scent of him, the weight of him on my tongue, the slick slide of him in and out, going a little further in each time. Distantly, I heard him curse, though I couldn’t tell what language. I could feel his struggle not to thrust too hard or move too quickly, but I took the choice out of his hands, shifted so I could grip his hips and force him to thrust forward. He tried to stop, I know he did but there’s a limit to even his self-control. After that it was messy and hard and fast and perfect. I couldn’t quite get enough air, but I didn’t care, just concentrated on doing all the things that made his want spike hotter and higher against my skin.

I stopped before he could come though. Much as part of me wanted that, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t sure anything could be right now, but I knew this wasn’t.

I shifted to stretch out beside him, but before I could settle, Bruce hooked a leg over mine and rolled us both. “You had your fun. Now it’s my turn.”

The look I gave him was a bit lost; my brain wasn’t altogether online. 

Bruce took his time, kissed his way from the edge of my collarbone down the line of my hip.

His mouth and his hands were everywhere, but I couldn’t help the restless movements of my body against the sheet. “Gods, please. More. Don’t stop.” 

“I won’t,” he told me, right before he moved so he could reach the bedside table. “Hang on. Just one second.”

“Too long.” 

I only wanted to think it, but it slipped out, and he smoothed his hand against my hip. 

“I’ll make it worth the wait.” The promise of that was positively filthy and made my toes curl as I fought not to whine.

Bruce spread my legs a bit wider, then slid one slick finger in. 

This time I couldn’t stop myself and arched backwards against the pressure with a hiss.

“Come on,” I told him.

He gave in, slid in another and after only a few seconds, the third.

It was too much, too fast and any other time, I would have asked him to wait. But now, the words stuck in my throat. The pain of it swirled together with the want and blurred into pleasure. I arched back again in helpless entreaty.

No longer nearly so in control, Bruce shifted again, lined up with a growl that sounded like he tried to hold it back and thrust in on one long slide until we both cried out.

It took me a second to remember how to move, but then I lifted my hips to make it even better.

That slight movement made Bruce make that same noise again, and I would have smiled if I could have remembered how. Instead, I shifted my balance and pushed back, once and then again. And that was so good, but it wasn’t enough. I kept up the rhythm, but something inside me wanted more.

“Move.” It was supposed to be a demand, but it came out more like a plea, but as long as it worked I didn’t care. 

At some point, I’d shut my eyes, and I opened them just in time to see something dark and possessive flare to life in his eyes.

“You asked for it.” 

When he spoke his voice was closer to the Bat than I’d ever heard him sound without the cowl. It probably didn’t say good things about me that I found it so hot, but that wasn’t exactly a news flash.

He began to thrust, harder with each one, and going gradually deeper, and that took us from good to amazing, but it still wasn’t enough. I’d let the hunger get to big and now it wanted more, wanted everything.

The sounds I made were embarrassing, but I couldn’t find the words to explain what was going in inside me. The pleasure tangled with the need that kept spiralling up, my whole body tensed with longing for…something more. 

For the first time in a long time, fear joined the layers of pleasure that lit starbursts behind my eyes. It flashed through a tiny part of my brain and made it hard to catch my breath for an entirely different reason. Much more of this, and I wasn’t sure I could handle it without some kind of meltdown; the usual loss of control during sex was brief, momentary at best. This…this felt like it would be bigger. I had no idea if there was such a thing as too much pleasure for someone like me, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out.

He must have felt something shift for me, because Bruce’s movements stilled, which wrenched another needy whimper that I couldn’t stop.

“What’s wrong?”

He wanted words, some kind of explanation, but the hunger was off its leash and running away with me, my ability to think. 

I tried to speak then cut myself off, ashamed of the fear I couldn’t control, turned my head into the pillow.

Silence for a heartbeat, then I felt Bruce slip out of me, and clenched my teeth on a sob. I couldn’t blame him, given the shape I was in, but he didn’t need to feel guilty on top of whatever else.

His hand slid down my spine then, and I felt a flare of anger, but muted like it wasn’t directed at me, then affection and exasperation. “I’m not going anywhere. I want to be able to see your face, see what you’re feeling. We don’t all have your advantages.”

Guilt at how badly I misjudged him wanted to get my attention then, but it faded quickly. 

Bruce looked down at me, his eyes intent on mine as he repositioned me with my legs over his shoulders. This time he thrust in slowly, an inch or so at a time, while I gasped and moaned.

“Faster.”

“Oh no. We did this your way. Now we’ll try it mine.” Achingly slowly, he pushed forward, then pulled out to repeat the process. 

“Don’t be afraid, Dick. Whatever happens, I guarantee you won’t break me.”

There was a tiny part of me that saw that as a challenge, but then a louder voice of concern drowned it out. “It’s not you I’m worried about, or not all I’m worried about. I have no control. Who knows how deep my read might go, or what I might project.” 

I hated to sound so uncertain, but there was no way to take it back.

“Haven’t we already had this discussion? I don’t care. You don’t have to worry about that.” Bruce punctuated the statement with a particularly deep thrust.

“Not fair,” I managed to tell him. Pleasure and longing began to edge out the last of the fear though, and I smiled up at him.

“When have I ever given you the impression I fight fair, especially when about things that matter to me?”

That startled a laugh out of me. “Fair point.”

There was no leverage for me in this position, which I’m sure was part of the point, so I settled for a firm grip on Bruce’s shoulders, so I could dig my fingernails in as I rolled my hips as best I could to match his thrusts.

“That’s better,” he informed me, and increased his pace as a reward.

His thrusts grew faster and less coordinated, it felt like I sank deeper and deeper into his feelings, past the surface to the layers underneath that I usually left alone out of respect for his privacy. 

There was the affection and exasperation from before, but also a deep need to possess, to own so completely that there was no way to refute it, no way to completely separate us into two people again. It shouldn’t have been so appealing. But, it didn’t bother me. In fact, in the small corner of my mind that was still functional, I found it comforting. 

It felt like what I wanted from him was too much, like I needed him so much more than he needed me, needed more from him than he really wanted to give me. It was nice to know that wasn’t the case.

“I’ve wanted you to be mine for longer than I would ever admit to most people. You seem to think your needs will eventually scare me, but I’ve been fighting to control mine for at least as long as you have. This doesn’t scare me, Dick. Not having this, losing you now that I know what we can be, that’s what scares me.” 

Bruce’s voice was uneven, not all that much more than a whisper, but I could feel how tightly controlled he felt like he had to be, so as not to scare me.

I didn’t even have to pause to think about it before I answered.

“If that’s true, then I think you already know what I need from you. I need you to really let me in. Give up some of your day to day control. I know you have things you don’t – can’t - share. But please, I need to know this gets to you too. Your control has so many layers you don’t let me in, not the way you could. It’s probably reflex by now, I get it. But I need you – all of you. How am I supposed to believe you see who I really am, and you’re okay with that if you won’t let me do the same thing?”

Bruce stilled, barely even breathing for a handful of seconds, his eyes locked on mine. “You don’t know what you’re asking.”

“Wanna bet?” As usual, I hid my fears and insecurities under humour and sarcasm. I did know what I was asking. And no matter what he claimed about being willing to give me whatever I needed, I knew the odds were good that this was too big of an ask.

Part of me screamed to back pedal, to tell him that whatever he was comfortable with was good enough. But, he always knows when I lie. And I didn’t want to, now not, not about this.

Later, I’m sure I would find time to kick myself for letting things get so bad that I couldn’t keep things more under control for us both, but in this moment, the need kept rising, even as I talked. And it wanted me to do a hell of a lot more than talk. I felt myself start to shake with the effort it took to do nothing. I could just take what I wanted. But that’s not who I want to be. I couldn’t ask him to trust me and then take his choices away from him.

Just because I needed something so badly that it felt like I might die from the want didn’t give me the right to take it. 

“You keep telling me there’s no part of me that will make you run, make you change your mind about this. I’m telling you…same goes. I wish you could believe me.” It was my turn to project sincerity, that and the absolute bone deep trust I had in him, that he would never do anything to harm me, at least not intentionally. It just wasn’t in him.

When he shifted, it was only slightly, but the effect made me feel more of his weight, pinned me against the bed, and moved him deeper inside me. I couldn’t help but groan and arch my spine in a silent demand for more, despite the serious subject matter.

“Some of that control, those barriers, have been in place for so long, I don’t think I can just let them go, but I’ll try. For now though, just remember, you asked for it.”

Bruce let his eyes shut and took a deep breath. As he let it out, I felt something shift, and suddenly there was…more. It wasn’t jarring but it still took my breath away for a moment. Everything that’d I’d already felt from him was still there, but the intensity from it had changed, like it had come out from underwater. 

Whatever he’d done, the need eased slightly, just enough to allow me to reach for what lay underneath the layers I’d already discovered. 

This time, I got the same wash of feelings but they came with pictures of me, with marks on my skin, bruises and bites and more. Rather than fear, the sight of them immediately made me yearn for all of them and more besides. The idea of wearing tangible proof of not just his need for me, but that his careful control could slip far enough to allow it, it did things to me that I couldn’t fully understand.

Even as I worked to project how very much I liked the idea, Bruce’s hands moved to bracket my wrists and then squeezed, just enough to be painful, but the pain only added to the pleasure I already felt.

As if my capitulation had opened another door, I slid deeper into his thoughts, got flashes of other things: me tied up and helpless, completely at his mercy, unable to touch him unless he allowed it. It should have scared me, given how dependent I was on being able to touch him, but it didn’t. 

The pleasure only got sharper as I caught more flashes from him, fragments of fantasies that were overlaid with his emotions. The combination of what I could see with what I could feel nearly overwhelmed me, but I couldn’t stop. I hadn’t realized how much he’d been holding back until he wasn’t, but the increased closeness was already addictive.

A small part of me felt like I was out of control, careening forward to more than I could handle, but that was my fear talking though, and I knew it. There was nothing about this man that I couldn’t handle. And if that meant I had to adjust to do so, then so be it. It’s not like I hadn’t given him plenty to adjust to in the last few months.

I slid into another picture, this time of me on my knees, hands tied behind my back, taking his cock while he was rougher with me than he’d ever been in real life. Swamped with eagerness and hunger that were his, I rode the surge of desire the picture evoked in me. One picture bled into another. I could sense that this was more difficult for him to admit, to share with anyone.

I felt a flare of his surprise, followed closely by guilt and shame that burned through everything else and made me gasp. I knew before I could ask that he’d opened up about some of this before and it hadn’t ended well.

I held him closer and forced myself to speak clearly. “Do you need to stop?” At this point, I wasn’t sure I could block properly, but for him, I would try.

The anger I felt wasn’t mine, but it was still hot enough to make me feel a bit singed. 

“Do you?”

“Not a chance,” I breathed. It didn’t even bear thinking about for a second. 

That got me a small smile and Bruce shook his head slightly. “This just isn’t something I ever thought you would want to know.”

Again, I spoke before I thought. “Haven’t you figured it out yet? When it comes to you, I want everything.” I wanted to add that I wanted to give him the same thing, but the words died in my throat as he started to move again.

“If it was anyone but you, that would be a reason to stop,” he explained as he kept up the measured but deep thrusts.

That was a compliment, but his tone was off, serious with an undertone of sadness I couldn’t quite place. 

I wanted to tell him he was messing up my concentration but not only did he already know that, there was no reason to feed his ego. Besides, I was pretty sure it didn’t matter that I didn’t say it. He knew anyway.

His expression changed, still nearly predatory with the pleasure we were both caught up in, but with more concentration, and I felt things shift again as he reached out to guide me back into the internal tide of emotions. 

Again, I could feel echoes of some past rejection he’d been through. That had me projecting the strongest wave of reassurance I could manage. Not happening, not this time. Still, reluctance twined around outright fear before his resolve to let me in won out.

I caught a flash of his hand holding an ornate leather flogger bringing it down on a back I recognized as my own. The flash of lust that shot straight to my groin was a bit more of a shock, but not enough to stop me. It was not exactly news that I liked things rougher at times. I’d never considered taking it that far, but some part of me really liked the idea.

But that wouldn’t account for the reluctance I sensed from him. We’d beaten each other near to bloody in non-sexual situations for training. There was something else here, something that he thought I would have a problem with and instinct told me I hadn’t found it yet.

I relaxed, and focused on being as non-threatening and reassuring as I could be. There was a pulse of fear mixed with embarrassment, the kind I hadn’t thought he felt, at least not these days and then things were darker again: shame, disappointment, guilt…and beneath that, a need that almost matched my own, but this one wasn’t for touch, it was for safety, reassurance, and the ability not to lose control, but to give it up to someone else, someone who would let him not feel the weight of his own responsibility. 

Another flash, this one Bruce on his huge, elegant bed naked except for the dark blindfold, clearly tied there with dark ropes the same shade as the blindfold. This one was gone almost before it formed, and it brought an even stronger pulse of lust, but with it came a wave of something too complex to call it tenderness. It should have been out of place with everything else I was currently caught up in, but somehow it wasn’t.

I’d gotten at least part of my wish. I wasn’t exactly sure where my feelings ended and his began, but the fear from earlier had completely faded.

“Well, if you were expecting any of that to be a problem, you’re going to be disappointed,” I explained, as I rolled my hips to get his attention. 

The last few minutes might have been a hell of a ride, but we weren’t done yet.

You don’t get to surprise someone like Bruce very often. But, I saw it for just a second before he smiled. It was small – more with his eyes than his lips, but it was there. 

“I think I can live with that,” he replied. 

It took me a second to find my coordination, but he moved with me easily. This time, when we found the rhythm that worked, pure carnal pleasure overrode all the other emotions from either of us. Part of me wanted to bask in everything I’d discovered, but the rest of me felt so good, I didn’t care. I could feel my orgasm building alongside another wave of hunger, and when I tumbled over the edge, the want peaked with it, then slowly receded. 

Bruce came only a few moments after I did, I felt it catch him by surprise, and grinned as I watched his face. Unrestrained pleasure was a good look on him, and it was even better when I could still feel so much of it from him.

My bed wasn’t as decadently large as his, but it didn’t matter since we were tangled so close together as we caught our breath.

The worst of the effects of whatever the hell had gone wrong for me had apparently backed off in the face of a staggeringly good orgasm, but if it got rid of the shaky nausea, killer headache, and sensitivity to light and sound, I wasn’t going to complain. My temperature still felt a little high, but then again, Bruce ran hot all the time, so that one I could probably ignore. 

Still caught in the afterglow, I shifted to stretch and didn’t comment when I felt the read from him settle back down to something closer to normal. As far as first steps went, his attempts at sharing had been fairly spectacular, and he had said he would need to work on it.

Bruce sat up, then stood to make his way to my en suite and came back with a warm cloth to help us both clean up. I thought he would move us both to his room, but he was content to curl himself back around me.

“Better?” he asked, while his left hand traced patterns on my shoulder.

I felt the muscles in my legs relax as I breathed out a long sigh. The hunger had settled into a contented hum in at the back of my mind.

“Much, yes. I feel like I should thank you.”

He laughed quietly, propped up on one arm to look at me. “You don’t have to thank me. Believe me, I’m always glad to help with that particular problem, though for your sake, let’s try not to let it get that bad again.” 

“Good call,” I agreed.

Bruce laughed quietly at me for a few seconds. “I could get you to agree to almost anything right now.”

His expression stayed open, but I got the sense that it took effort just before he spoke again.

“I hate to bring up a sensitive subject so soon, but there’s something I need to tell you.”

My stomach wanted to sink, but I forced myself not to react outwardly. That didn’t sound good.

“If you hadn’t come home when you did, I was going to fly out to California to meet you. I needed to talk to you. I saw the plans for your new suit, so I know you were at least considering leaving.” 

It took a second to think past the dread, and then I couldn’t decide between laughing or yelling.

“You’re an idiot. I didn’t design the suit you saw because I want to leave. I designed it because I want to stay. If we’re going to work, you need a partner, not a sidekick.” 

Another flash of surprise brushed up against the edges of my mind, then got lost in a flood of approval and relief.

He didn’t answer. But the kiss was good enough that I didn’t care.

We ended up tangled together with the sheets and blankets only haphazardly on. I used Bruce’s chest as my pillow and counted his heartbeats. 

“You know we need to actually talk, right?” I managed to ask the question, but I didn’t lift my head to look at him.

Bruce nodded, just enough for me to feel the movement. “Yes. But preferably after we sleep,” he murmured. “It’s possible I didn’t get a lot of rest while you were gone.”

With a bit of effort, I held back the smirk. “You don’t say?” 

I took a second to prop my head up on my hand and look at him. “I’m not ready for Robin to retire just yet,” I explained. “But, I’d really like it if you could help me finalize the design for the new suit.”

“I’d like that,” Bruce replied, just before he leaned down to brush our lips together.

I let myself get drawn into the kisses. The spirit was willing, even if the body was exhausted. Even with the need quiet and content, there wasn’t ever going to be a time I wanted to say no to him. Reconnection now, all the rest later. I could totally work with that.

***

Even after such a tumultuous few days, I rose early and made my way to the kitchen. Unless things had gone disastrously wrong last night, the boys would likely be extra famished when they finally made it out of bed this morning.

The toll it’d taken on both of them almost made me regret facilitating Barbara’s scheme to get them both to face up to their issues.

Still, one could hardly argue with the results. Perhaps I’d make a lemon meringue pie this morning as well. Good intentions deserved some reward, after all.

The pie was in the oven and nearly done when I heard beep from the house terminal that signalled her arrival.

“I was going to text you, but I figured you’d be up early and I wanted to celebrate in person. We are celebrating aren’t we?” Barbara trailed off as she looked up at me.

I allowed myself a small smile.

“We are indeed, my dear. It seems absence does still make the heart grow fonder.”

Barbara snorted in a most unladylike fashion as she snuck a glance at my oven timer. 

“If those two get any fonder of each other, we may not survive the fallout,” she commented, but there was no heat behind the words.

Privately, I couldn’t help but agree, but I didn’t want to encourage such speculation.

We adjourned to the table for tea, and I looked her over carefully. Since she’d come all this way, it wouldn’t hurt to check in on her emotional state. This was a difficult situation for her, even if she didn’t make an issue of it.

“Are you quite as alright with all of this as your plan implied, my dear?”

Barbara straightened her shoulders and summoned up a small smile. “Well, I don’t know if alright is the right word. But, anyone with eyes can see they make each other better. I don’t want to get in the way of that.”

“That’s a very enlightened view, I should think.”

“I know,” Barbara agreed, as she toasted me with her tea cup. “It helps that I can tell myself that if we weren’t on their side, they’d still be pining over each other.”

I took another sip of my usual breakfast blend and returned the toast. 

I make it a point to never argue with a lady, especially when she’s right.

***FIN***


End file.
